MIND MOVES:Think about solving your problems as a challenge which requires clear thinking and a spark of creativity, writes TONY BATES
IN EACH of our lives there comes a time when the stresses we face seem to be more than we can handle. Some of us become deeply depressed in such circumstances, some of us manage to cope. What makes the difference?
The answer is no doubt a combination of many factors in our lives that protect us from despair and encourage us to find solutions. But a key factor in determining whether we buckle or find our courage in moments like this is the ability not to take stress so personally.
Think about it as a challenge which requires clear thinking and a spark of creativity.
This is hard for people who are prone to depression, because they find it hard to generate possible solutions and, even when they do, their proposed solutions are more often very passive – ie relying too much on someone else to solve the problem for them.
The greatest pitfall with stress, what tips you over from feeling saddened or frustrated to feeling depressed, is believing that “it’s all my fault”. Not that you should deny that you may have had some part in causing the stress.
But if you become consumed by guilt, you neither do yourself, nor anyone close to you, any good at all.
It’s also quite possible that whatever problem you’re faced with is actually not your fault. It’s not always about you.
The fact that so many of us find it hard to think clearly about how to solve a problem, has led to the incorporation of “problem-solving training” in many different therapeutic approaches. The rationale is that if we can teach someone the skills to solve a problem, this might give them a way of tackling stresses when they arise, rather than feeling overwhelmed by them.
The next step is to come up with a plan. In effective problem-solving it’s helpful to define the problem as precisely as you can and also to consider what exactly would be different in your life if you could make this problem disappear.
So for example, Mary complained of feeling very stressed when she was at home with her mother. The latter was quite an intrusive person and someone who was quick to judge and quick to criticise her.
It took her a little while to realise what it was about this situation that she found most stressful. But when she did, it became easier for her to consider how to address this problem. She identified that what really got her down was her complete inability to speak up for herself in the face of her mother’s criticisms.
By taking time to identify the real problem you need to solve, you bring your attention back to what you can do now to get to grips with this problem.
By going one step further and articulating what success would look like if you were able to solve this problem, you stop your mind becoming fixated on everything that’s wrong in your life. Mary imagined that if things could be different, she and her mother would speak much more as equals and the relationship would be based on some kind of mutual respect.
In approaching a problem such as this, it’s good to take a minute and ask yourself “How have I coped in the past when this sort of thing has happened?” This reflection can remind you of your own strengths and put you back in touch with them.
When you finally get your head into a space where you can see your problem for what it is, where you can imagine what your life would be like if this problem were solved, reminded yourself of your strengths and stopped taking this all so personally, it’s time to allow your imagination to take back its wings.
Then allow yourself to come up with as many wild and practical solutions as possible.
Mary considered everything from hiring a hitman to leaving the country; from talking to her mother to changing her phone number and visiting her less.
When you’ve given your brain some room to breathe, you can shortlist your possible solutions. Mary, now with a cooler head, decided that speaking directly with her mother was the best strategy. She wrote out what she wanted to say, practised it with a friend and planned where and when she would sit down with her mother.
It’s important to rehearse possible solutions and to anticipate what might work and what might not. And then you need to go and find out how well your solution works in the real world.
I know I am making this sound easier than it is. It takes huge courage to overcome our desire to run from life when it scares the hell out of you.
And timing is really important – it may be that you’re too upset right now to work through the above steps. That’s okay. Leave it until you’re in better shape.
But don’t leave it forever.
Tony Bates is founding director of Headstrong – The National Centre for Youth Mental Health (www.headstrong.ie)