By the age of 10, children should be getting up, dressed, fed and ready for school on time in the morning with no prompting from parents. That's if you've been following the 123 Magic programme or were born with natural parenting ability.
If you're setting out on the teenage years, Dr Tom Phelan, author of 123 Magic and Surviving Your Adolescents: How to Manage and Let Go of Your 13-18 Year Olds, is a source of easy-to-follow commonsense advice free of psychobabble.
A lot of what irritates parents about teenagers falls into a category Phelan calls "MBA" - minor but annoying. Ignore MBA behaviours. For example, there's no psychological cause and effect between having a messy room and becoming an anti-social layabout, or between navel piercing and a spell behind bars. Just keep the door closed or avert your eyes. You may not like your child's friends, but there's little you can do about it, Phelan believes.
One of the toughest parts of being the parent of a teenager is trying to figure out what's trouble and what's normal, says Phelan. One day your child is warm and fun, the next moody and distant. Your child wants privacy, meets the "how was your day?" question with an icy stare and doesn't want to be seen with you in public. Your child craves risk-taking while also wanting to do what all his or her friends are doing. All normal.
Not normal are excessive fears and obsessive thoughts (signs of anxiety disorder) or persistent gloominess, social withdrawal and underachieving (depression). Obnoxious behaviour may be the hardest to cope with on the surface, but Phelan says that the child you need to worry about is the one who is shy and withdrawn. Untreated social phobia can lead to self-medicating with alcohol and drugs.
Some children are defiant, routinely abuse the rights of others and prematurely acting out in areas such as sex, alcohol, drugs, stealing and fighting, while blaming everyone else for their problems. These are signs of conduct disorder and you'll need professional help.
However, if what you're dealing with is merely MBA, then play it cool and avoid the four cardinal sins: spontaneous problem discussions, nagging, insight transplants and arguing.
Being a negotiator is most effective - first schedule a time and place. Listen to your child for 10 minutes (no interrupting, no blaming). Then agree a mutually beneficial solution (your teen can play whatever music he likes as long as he uses headphones whenever others are in the house, or you'll pay the hefty phone bill only if school performance is kept above a certain level).
Major offences (physical violence, staying out all night, drinking alcohol, using drugs) deserve consequences, such as monetary fines, no TV for a month, no phone or car for one month or grounding.
Never give in to badgering, intimidation, threats, martyrdom and - hardest of all - buttering up. Be self-restrained, say nothing. Saying "you just won't take no for an answer" or "you're never happy are you?" will only cause an argument you cannot win. If the pressure is too much, get out of the room.
For Tom Phelan's books,www.parent-magic.com