Relationships and mental wellbeing need communication and positive thinking

Lighten up, connect mind and body and let go of negative thoughts. That was the message from renowned psychotherapist Dr Trish Murphy when she addressed the topic of relationships and mental wellbeing at a well-attended meeting in Portlaoise.

It was just the advice I needed, having dropped the 15-year-old off at soccer training, and spent the previous night trying to get to grips with the challenging world of digital marketing, an exercise that was sparking an abundance of negative thoughts within my addled brain.

We could all do with lightening up and having more fun, Dr Murphy said. All too often we put our plans for kicking back off for holidays and retirement, she observed. Being in a good relationship is important as it allows us to be ourselves and let down barriers, she said. It also boosts our longevity and confidence.

Nearly all people in relationships fight but the measure of a relationship is how we fight, Dr Murphy said. Interestingly, research has shown that 69 per cent of all arguments a couple have never get resolved in the course of their lives. “That’s okay - we don’t have to solve them,” said Dr Murphy.

World-renowned therapist Dr John Gottman, famous for his "love labs" in Seattle, interviewed thousands of couples and after 15 minutes of getting them to speak about how they argued, he could determine whether they would stay together, Dr Murphy said.

Four disastrous ways of arguing, the meeting was told, involve:

• Contempt and belligerence, such as sneering, mockery and eye-rolling, using phrases such as "You always" or "You never";
• Defensiveness, with retorts such as "Who, me?";
• Criticism, that doesn't have to be spoken, with self-criticism also destructive;
• Stone-walling, where people become overwhelmed and removed themselves from the situation.

“It’s funny how flexible we are in lots of aspects of our lives but how stubborn we can get in relationships,” Dr Murphy remarked.

Unsurprisingly, technology and its impact on communication and relations came under the spotlight. The proliferation of devices in our homes has made it difficult to communicate on a human level with all the beeping, and has reduced our attention spans, Dr Murphy observed.

When relationships end, it can cause enormous problems such as feelings of grief, denial, shock, anger and despair, she remarked. “Acceptance takes time, and men are particularly at risk of withdrawing. At this time of vulnerability, the people around us should provide support. Where people don’t tell others, this can lead to depression and anxiety. All of us should play our role in watching that,” Dr Murphy said.

In a study of 900 couples in Guys Hospital London, researchers couldn't distinguish between the depressed person and their partner, as partners behaved like they were also affected, the meeting was told. "We need to be very clear what we're doing to mind ourselves in this situation," Dr Murphy said. Getting the correct diagnosis is vital and a three-person team - the affected person, their partner and the medical professional - is needed, she said.

We can only help people who are willing to be helped and we also need to be aware of the importance of self-care, according to Dr Murphy. Practical support for carers, she suggested, could include bringing around food, or watching a movie with them. “Don’t say ‘If you need anything, just ask’. Instead say ‘I’ll be over on Saturday afternoon.”

Isolation or ostracisation can cause physical pain, Dr Murphy said. “We function better when we have support - a real genuine connection - not a virtual one. It requires courage and openness to let people in,” she said. Interest in others is very good for our mental health and retired people often lament the fact that they didn’t nurture friendships, she reflected.

All too often our minds drift to negative thinking and children as young as six can have negative thoughts and fear which can start to build, the meeting heard. Emotional intelligence has a lot to say about learned optimism, Dr Murphy said. As Irish people, we tend to find the approach of looking at what’s working in our lives quite difficult.

Mindfulness exercises help connect our minds to our bodies and we make good decisions when we quieten things down, said Dr Murphy. And as a member of the audience remarked, if we can be kind to ourselves, we can be kind within our relationships.