HEART BEAT: I am about to take a few weeks away from writing. When I return, I trust that all the little irritants that have been bothering me over the last while will either have gone away or have been solved satisfactorily, writes Maurice Neligan.
For example, the European Working Time Directive and the impasse with the non- consultant hospital doctors will hopefully have been resolved and we will no longer be in breach of the EU directive. We've only had 10 years to fix this, but I somehow feel that another fortnight will see it finally accomplished. Realistically, there are two chances of this happening. To quote an editorial in this newspaper: "There are important health and safety issues too. Doctors, and indeed all workers, can damage their long-term health by continually working excess hours."
I wondered why I would occasionally get tired. I thought it was due to getting older. Now I know I simply worked too hard. Perhaps some lawyer out there could initiate a class action for all of us incipient geriatrics, who until recently had never heard of health and safety.
The blinding innocence or rather, stupidity, of all of this depresses me. Under the directive, junior doctors are to be given 11 consecutive hours rest within each 24-hour period and 35 consecutive hours every seven days. Might I ask, how do we know they are resting? Is it just possible that they will do what junior doctors have always done, i.e. enjoy themselves?
Personally, I would prefer to be looked after by a doctor who had been working all night, rather than one who had been painting the town. I have, however, a simple suggestion for the enforcement of these rules.
The health and safety inspectors who are prowling around looking for cigarette butts could simply ask patrons of these establishments if they were junior doctors. The offender could then be told to immediately remove himself to bed to acquire the required rest. It must be stipulated that they retire to their own bed, lest they get up to something fatiguing. I shall watch another Irish solution unfold with considerable interest.
Now, if I might briefly explain something to the children, who I have rather neglected over the past few weeks. Around this time every year , the chief wizard and lots of senior wizards and elves of the majority government party go camping in a place called Galway (I assume they are camping, because they have a big tent). Various worthy citizens, for one reason or another, seek admission to this tent to mingle with the magic circle of power.
Why they want to get in need not concern you, as you are young and innocent. However, other rituals do occur. Very occasionally unfortunately, the places at the chief wizard's table get changed. This is done through a form of musical chairs called a shuffle and some of the older wizards can be pushed aside by a younger, fitter, more ambitious wizard seizing his chair. This is very sad for those displaced, they lose their status and their cars and, most importantly, the right to annoy the rest of us. All this is true, trust me. There is even a song written about it; albeit in code:
It's there you'll see the pipers and the fiddlers competing
The nimble-footed dancers, a tripping o'er the daisies.
If you insert spin doctor for piper, you get the gist. The reference to the nimble-footed dancers is about teaching young elves how to do spectacular U-turns on any aspect of what passes for government policy. The rest of us are the daisies. All this gives rise to the well-known saying: "They weren't at the races". This usually applies to opposition elves after elections.
While I am on the subject, a very senior wizard called Charlie, who knows a lot about horses, got shuffled right off the board recently and banished to a place called Brussels.
This was the wizard who refused to pour money into the health service, because he could not understand the magic that made it disappear. He was, of course, correct and I hope the wizard who gets his seat will continue to realise that there is no point in throwing good money after bad. Root and branch reform is necessary, not more musty old spells (reports). Pay the fairies (nurses) properly and let them and the nice doctors make you better. You'll see in a few weeks, all of this will have come to pass.
Dr Maurice Neligan is a cardiac surgeon