Men need to find out that it's good to talk

Men have fewer close friends, and their friendships tend to rely less on emotional support and more on camaraderie than women’s. Are they real friendships at all?

A FEW WEEKS ago I was talking to a male friend, who I meet several times a month for coffee. We’ve known each other on and off for about 10 years. He works in the private sector. When we meet we generally chat about current affairs, or sport or perhaps a brief update on our relationships. But that’s as far as it goes. I have no idea how he feels about his life. I don’t know if he is content, or what his insecurities are or how he is coping emotionally.

He became a father some time back. I know he lost sleep and couldn’t get out socially as much. But don’t ask me how being a parent has affected him emotionally or changed his relationship with his wife. We don’t go there, as the Americans might say.

But if you asked either of us independently to list our close friends, both would figure on each other’s list. So are we just acquaintances or genuine close friends?

Or perhaps men use friendships for different reasons than women, and Irish men in particular find it harder to develop deeper, more meaningful friendships than other nationalities? If recent studies from the US are to be believed, Irish men are not alone, and men everywhere are having fewer and fewer close friends. Almost a quarter of those surveyed say they have no one they can confide in or call a close friend.

Men’s friendships tend to be couched in different terms to women’s, relying less on emotional support and more on camaraderie. The rise of online social media coupled with the changing nature of community means that many men are relying solely on their partner or spouse as confidantes.

Relationship consultant David Kavanagh is not surprised that men have fewer friends, and says that men who are married can lose contact with their male friends rapidly.

“Men are working more hours than ever before, and there is more expectation on them when they get married, as opposed to say 20 or 30 years ago. Men are now expected to pull their weight more around the house, and rightly so, but their time to go off and be with male friends has been impacted upon. I myself got married about three years ago and I have seen my male friends a handful of times. To be honest, I’m surprised when a male friend calls.”

Kavanagh says that the majority of his clients are women, and that men are still slow to discuss their emotional issues or dilemmas. Many of them do not discuss these issues with their male friends either, which can lead to a rise in addiction and other health problems.

“I think that, in the main, men don’t identify or define themselves by friendship. They tend to talk more about career and income. Women would rate friendship more highly, and they demand more social contact with female friends.

“In my experience, Irish men in general do not get on the phone and tell male friends how they are feeling. Maybe only 5 per cent of my clients are men. It is worrying, because it’s not as if men are going down the pub and after a few beers telling the guys, ‘I feel emotionally vulnerable’.”

Men can have quite shallow relationships over long periods of time without it being an issue, he says.

“I heard of someone recently who said he went to the pub with his best man for the usual few pints. His friend said his marriage was on the rocks, and the guy said he didn’t know where to look, even though he knows him 20 odd years. I think we are very particular about who we say things to. There are perhaps only one or two people most men can express emotions to, and that is not changing. If anything it is getting worse.”

“I heard of someone recently who said he went to the pub with his best man for the usual few pints. His friend said his marriage was on the rocks, and the guy said he didn’t know where to look, even though he knows him 20 odd years