Family Mediation Service is a free, Government-funded service, available all over the State, which can help separating couples save on legal fees and acrimonious court sessions. Angie Mezzetti reports.
'I would love to put a sign up in every maternity ward that says where a couple are not married, having the father's name on the birth certificate confers no legal rights on him at all as guardian," says Polly Phillimore, service manager of the Family Mediation Service.
Sorting out guardianship of children, access and shared parenting arrangements cuts to the basic decision most separating couples have to face at mediation - how to manage the children.
Mediation is also about sorting out the practicalities and the arrangements that have to be made to accommodate both partners and their children and can include a wide variety of other issues such as the family home, pensions, insurance policies and debts. It is free and available to both married and unmarried couples.
Relationship breakdowns, particularly the breakdown of a marriage of many years, can be a painful process loaded with hurt, acrimony, grief and blame.
"Often people expect too much from themselves," according to Phillimore. "We ask them to acknowledge that it will be difficult and to plan a way through it. Nearly always there is one party who doesn't want to separate.
"Finding new ways to deal with issues over parenting, money and where everyone is going to live are the major issues to be dealt with."
The numbers using the service have increased substantially in recent years. More than 1,400 couples used the service in 2004. Between 50 per cent and 60 per cent of them went on to reach a final agreement. Others may not have been ready to complete mediation or found it too difficult to engage in the dialogue, according to Phillimore.
"Even for those who don't go through the mediation to the end, it does help them to communicate and gives them a heightened awareness of what's involved," she says.
It is not a counselling or legal advice service but rather assumes that the couple want to separate and facilitates the most amicable way for them to do this. Mediators are fully trained and accredited and can be male or female.
There is a list of 13 ground rules that both parties have to sign up to in good faith when mediation begins and both have to phone up individually to agree to attend. The ground rules lay everything out and declare that all issues are up for discussion and that a full and frank disclosure of all financial and other relevant information must be made at mediation. It also says financial documentation such as pay slips and tax returns may need to be brought in. Everything is confidential.
The mediator sees both partners alone first briefly to check that they are there voluntarily and that they are aware of what is involved and to ensure there is no violence.
"Where there is violence involved we check to see how it is being handled. For the receiver of the abuse we make sure they must be able to access safety. If they are not able to make a free choice you would not be able to proceed," says Phillimore. If children are at risk this will be reported. "During a session we look at power imbalances and check who is listening by asking questions as to what might work."
The original legislation was drafted so that the adversarial system would be avoided and so that couples would come up with an agreeable solution for sorting many issues that affect not only their own lives but those of their children and wider family group, particularly grandparents.
"We empower people to negotiate their own agreement. This way they are more likely to stick to it," according to Phillimore.
She says they help people to look at all the issues that affect the children. "Sometimes people tend to be consumed by their own emotions perhaps after years of a marriage," and they may not see the wider picture.
"We say to people to find creative ways to work with their children. Research indicates that children need to be kept informed," says Phillimore. The more informed and involved they are the better she believes, as it is preferable to them feeling constantly insecure.
"It is not parents separating that upsets children but the way that they do it," she says.
"Although they are separating as a couple they still have to continue a relationship as parents. So it is about getting them to think about how they can talk to their children about what is happening, about what kind of arrangements they are going to make where the children still feel beloved by both of them." At the end of the process, couples are invited to bring their children along to explain the future arrangements agreed at mediation.
Phillimore says that the family home is one of the major issues to be sorted out because it is the basis of people's security.
"The second session is usually a budget session but it really depends on the couple's priorities. Finances underpin all sorts of other things. We give them budget sheets to take away no matter what the assets. It is crucial for people to think about how they can run two homes."
One of the first questions asked at mediation is whether the couple have a solicitor. The Family Mediation Service encourages them to see a solicitor alongside the process. Solicitors too must ask couples seeking divorce if they have tried counselling and mediation. The mediation agreement may go to the solicitor in the end in plain English to be drawn up into a legal agreement or it can become the basis for a divorce.
"Where there are lots of finances involved we also advise couples to go to an accountant," says Phillimore.