Since Parentline opened its lines 20 years ago the balance of calls has shifted, reflecting changes in Irish society. In the early days some parents feared harming their offspring; these days parents are more likely to be in fear of their children. The growth of merging families arising from separation or divorce; an often reluctant role for grandparents forced to parent second time round; the impact of drink, drugs, designer gear and too early sexualisation of young people are part of changing family times over two decades noted by Parentline, which celebrates its 20th birthday on May 10th.
The service began in 1980, established by a group of social workers and public health nurses concerned with the problems they were encountering and the lack of parental support beyond Baby & Childcare by Dr Benjamin Spock. Originally called Parents Under Stress, the service was modelled on the US Parents Anonymous, which brought parents together for mutual help.
The need for a helpline soon emerged. A phone and a desk was found in Centre Care, Marlborough Street. Val Smith, then a volunteer, subsequently the organisation's administrator, took the first call: "I remember among the first calls would have been one from a child who was being sexually abused at a time when this was not being publicly discussed," she says.
"Other early calls were about practical subjects like bed-wetting," says Valerie McLoughlin, acting administrator, "or you would have parents of large families who feared losing their temper and smacking the child too hard. There was, and still is, a huge stigma for parents who don't feel as they ought towards a particular child, or who feel they can't cope." Chairwoman Gerry Emerson recalls: "It was a time of more social cohesiveness where people tended to do much the same thing. There was a community ethic, so, for instance, if your child refused to go to Mass, it stood out. When a child is difficult the first thing most parents say is `where did I go wrong?' At the same time there was the beginning of the break-up of the extended family so parents were more on their own."
Parentline now has 40 trained volunteers who take more than 4,000 calls a year, and respond with non-directive counselling: "We're there, we listen actively both to the presenting problem and the feelings behind it," says Emerson, "and we don't judge."
"We offer immediacy, we mirror what is said back to allow them hear it, with only the gentlest of confrontations," says McLoughlin. "Giving people the opportunity to talk things through helps them clarify how they feel and where their options are.
"We need more volunteers," she adds. "People hold back because they feel you have to be an expert, but it's not rocket science, and we do give training." The service includes parent support groups, face-to-face meetings, with parenting skills courses now in the pipeline.
In 1980 it got just one call from a man (concerned about the way he was disciplining his children). Now the helpline gets up to 600 a year: "Men are playing a more active part in parenting, and they are very concerned to do the right thing," says McLoughlin. "At the beginning they tended to want a quicker fix - `here's the problem, what do I do?'. These days they are more open to discuss feelings, though some may still say that the child needs more discipline and Mum is too soft. We would be stressing the value of talk and negotiation, finding a win-win situation for everyone."
An increase in women parenting alone either through marital breakdown or single parenthood has contributed to a steady rise in calls from grandparents: "Some want an update on how parenting has changed, others find it very difficult to cope with new attitudes. `She's answering back', `I told him to do such-and-such and he refused'. Older parents used to children being obedient find this very difficult," says McLoughlin. "Also, an older mother quite often disapproves of the life her daughter is having. Sometimes she may need to look at her own boundaries and see that she is facilitating this by her own approach."
Last year the organisation took over the helpline of the Post Natal Depression service. Judging from the calls, this condition can still be misunderstood or misdiagnosed: "One woman told how her GP told her the depression would go away," says McLoughlin, "but the longer it's left the more serious it can be. We always advise someone to go for treatment and help." A new candidate for PND is the career woman accustomed to controlling her in-tray who finds that the new baby will not be similarly organised, leading to feelings of confusion, frustration, and despair.
One of the changes they notice is in the nature of parenting itself: "Children are calling the shots," says Emerson. "It's as if parents are afraid to have rules. Typically a parent would call about a troublesome teenager. We would often ask `when did the difficulties start?' because it can help parents to see patterns of behaviour. But they will often say `she was always troublesome', perhaps pointing to the fact that problems began much earlier in the formative years. "We can help them see what small changes they can make now, how they can be consistent. Many parents need to look at their own baggage, their own life stages, they may have had the self-esteem knocked out of them.
"Another change is that people are not leaving home because of the high cost of flats and houses. We hear from parents where kids are treating the house like an hotel, coming in at all hours, are abusive, drinking too much, have very little respect for their parents, in households where there are no limits, no boundaries."
"We would say that no parent has to put up with abuse from their children," say McLoughlin. "But parents are reluctant to go to authorities because they worry about getting their children branded. We often refer them to the local juvenile liaison officer for a chat, and this can work very well. One bit of good news is that calls about bullying have decreased over the last number of years since schools initiated an anti-bullying policy."
Every second call is from the parent of an adolescent. "We find the power of peer pressure has grown over the years with young people picking up values from each other rather than their parents," says Emerson.
"Many parents feel confused and helpless about early drinking, early sexualisation, and many still take what their children say at face value. (Checking up on mobile phone-toting youngsters is difficult, because they can lie with more freedom about their whereabouts.) "We tell parents that most teenagers experiment and most come through safely," says McLoughlin. "Talking out the problem helps them clarify their feelings and they can then look at options."
Calls relating to the problems and stresses of marriage break-up and second family units have also increased: "You have people in new partnerships, both with children, different views about how children should be reared, jealousy from children who had Mum all to herself and don't like the new man, tensions around visiting Dad. Again we listen, and we would often ask `what would you like to see?' which helps people focus on what would be a good outcome, and how they could work towards that."