MIND MOVES:I USED to be afraid of what people would think of me, so I wore a mask. But then I saw the pain and the hurt it can cause when people hide their feelings behind masks for too long, writes KEITH DOHERTY
I was at a friend’s funeral when I realised this. All of us were standing together forming a guard of honour for her to pass when her mother turned to all of us and said: “Never ever do this and leave this pain behind.”
It was then I knew I would have to face up to what was behind the mask.
I know it’s not easy to talk about how you’re feeling, but nothing worth talking about is. I had hidden what I was going through for long enough and I felt like I was missing out on my life.
Basically I missed out on being a teenager. I did all the usual things a teenager would do: I played hurling, went to school, had friends and hung around. But feeling down was always there.
Sometimes I had a reason for feeling down, but often there didn’t seem to be any particular reason. I just didn’t care and I wasn’t pushed to do anything. I wanted to be on my own. Being depressed, I pulled back from the world to hide my hurt from myself and others.
At times, talking about it made feeling down go away for a moment, but I always knew in the back of my head that it would come back. I had ups as well as downs, but even when I was happy without a care in the world, I knew I was going back down. Being happy made me feel vulnerable.
When you’re on your own a lot, there are things that can make you feel a bit better, things that help you forget your thoughts. Some of these things can have bad consequences such as drinking too much, misusing drugs or self-harming.
Luckily, I found music. When I picked up a guitar and started strumming I got lost in the music. I sang about what I felt and it made me take an honest look at how I was feeling.
The words in these songs rang true for me then and today when I perform them other people hear their truth in them.
Maybe that’s why some of the best songs that have ever been written have been about people going through a hard time in their lives. If nothing else, these great songs let us know that we’re not alone when we feel down or unhappy.
It was through music that I first faced up to the crap I was feeling. The hardest step was to admit to myself that there was something wrong and let the mask slip a little. For me it was music – for you it might be something else. It might be something as easy as knitting.
So when I was ready, I began talking and I started to learn how to make it through a tough time. I was lucky and found people in my community who helped. But at the end of the day you just have to find a way around it yourself.
It’s your war to settle with yourself but other people are out there to support you in this battle.
Once I was willing to open up to people who cared about me, other opportunities came along. I started to get involved in my community, working with other people who wanted to help make things better for young people going through a tough time.
We did practical things like raising funds to pay for a safe place for young people where they could meet up. We invited others to become involved.
The biggest thing I could offer though, was telling other people my story. I knew what
it felt like to think I was the only one going through this pain, which is scary when the main thought going through your head as a teenager is, “What are they thinking of me?”
Just because you’re depressed, it doesn’t mean you’re different. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let the mask come off. But once you realise that there is more to life than worrying what others think of you, you learn to be happy with yourself.
Once you can find the courage to draw your own future, you become the hero of your own life.
- Keith Doherty (aged 20) is a member of the youth advisory panel to Headstrong – the National Centre for Youth Mental Health (www.headstrong.ie)
- Tony Bates is currently on summer leave