MIND MOVES:Don't wait for change to happen - take command of your own life now, writes Terry Lynch
A MAN in his early 50s described himself as being depressed for years, experiencing an ongoing, pervasive melancholy which never seemed to lift. His life had become mundane, static. For many years, his circle of people and activities had been steadily decreasing.
He lived with a family member (not a partner) for the previous 20 years, whose life was also in a state of stagnation, as was their relationship. He sought help from me as he found it very difficult to get beyond this impasse.
One of the areas I felt he needed to work on was to take steps to expand his life, to gradually counteract the stagnation and inaction which had crept into and now characterised his way of living.
He would regularly come up with a multiplicity of reasons why he could not take new initiatives in his life.
He had experienced much hurt, loss and loneliness in his life. I felt that his reluctance to initiate was a protective action prompted by fear, designed to minimise risk, reducing his exposure to uncertainty and further hurt.
He repeatedly neglected to put into practice the majority of my suggestions. He always justified this with the same reply. He did not think they would work, so he saw no point in making the effort.
Without warning, a family crisis occurred. A young relation of his suddenly became extremely ill. He happened to be working part-time and was in a position to give considerable time to the crisis. He resolved to do everything he could to be of support and assistance, especially to his young relation's distraught mother.
His young relative remained critically ill for many weeks and, tragically, died. Throughout this time, his life was very different from what it had been. The young person's mother was understandably distraught and in shock. He found himself becoming very involved in the situation - dealing with doctors, nurses, intensive care and, sadly, the funeral and all of the related arrangements, assisting and supporting the mother throughout.
Within days of the onset of this emergency situation, he noticed something which surprised him. He did not feel depressed, though he did not understand why. It seemed odd to him that, at a time of great crisis, he actually felt better. He was not in denial about the tragedy. He felt extremely sad, but not depressed.
He attended me again about two months after the young person's death. During this time his spirits had remained lifted, by far the longest period he had experienced without being depressed, for over a decade.
He wanted to understand how his mood could lift in this way in such a difficult time, and he also wanted to minimise the chances of a return of his previous melancholia.
In our discussions, one possible explanation for the lifting of his spirits emerged. Unexpectedly and unintentionally, many of his own needs were met within this new situation. Feeling unimportant and not needed for years, suddenly the young person's mother really needed him. Previously very lonely and isolated, for over two months he had almost constant company. He suddenly found himself catapulted from a tedious and monotonous existence into a highly charged life-and-death situation, in the front line, dealing with doctors, nurses and intensive care on an ongoing basis.
His image of himself changed enormously. Having been terrified of change for years, he unexpectedly discovered that he could, after all, deal very effectively with change, uncertainty and adversity.
He grew through the experience. There was no selfishness or egotistical self-interest on his part. His feeling better was a totally unexpected and unsought product of his own input into the crisis. He encountered situations that would previously have terrified him, yet he coped. The tragedy awakened in him a greatly heightened awareness of the preciousness of life, including his own.
It took a major crisis and tragedy to propel this man out of his melancholia. Had he at an earlier stage taken steps towards getting his life back on track, initiating, bringing diversity and challenge into his life, he may also have experienced more purpose, meaning, a more positive self-image, and a consequent lifting of his spirits.
Do not wait around for life to lift you out of stagnation. Take charge of the process of change and growth yourself. Scary though this might sound, you too may find that you have what it takes to create the purpose, meaning and fulfilment you crave but are convinced is beyond you.
• Dr Terry Lynch is a psychotherapist and GP in Limerick