THAT'S MEN:The season of goodwill can be anything but
THINGS SOMETIMES get a little fraught at this time of year. The season of goodwill it may be, but having to spend longer than usual periods of time with colleagues and loved ones is not always good for the temper.
When things get fraught, we tend to see only the annoying side of people and this leads to some almighty rows at Christmas time. So here is a reflection method from Japan which might help to rebalance matters in the direction of harmony.
This method, called Naikan (pronounced Nikon as in the cameras) began to be developed about 70 years ago by a man called Yoshimoto Ishin.
Yoshimoto was a devotee of a very difficult, some might say foolhardy, meditation practice. It involved spending several days in a cave and meditating on your life while going without food or water and not sleeping.
He found the practice to be of such value to him that he wanted other people to benefit from it too. Sensibly, he realised that not many people – in fact hardly anybody at all – would be willing to spend days in this manner.
So he began to create a method of reflection which anybody could use without going to extremes. He also took a leaf from his business life and developed the reflection as a way of helping people to keep an account of what they had received and what they had given in their lives.
All of this combined to bring about the practice of Naikan, a word which carries the meaning of inward observing or seeing oneself with the mind’s eye. To do Naikan, you ask yourself three questions and reflect on the answers.
The first question is, what did I receive? Look for details. Who helped you out? Who made meals for you? If you are a father, who has helped look after the kids? Who offered you a friendly word?
The next question is, what did I give? Who did you help? Who did you go out of your way for? Who did you bring to school, collect from the disco? Whose birthday did you mark?
The third question is, what difficulties did I cause? Whose meetings did you turn up late for? What did you neglect to do that caused inconvenience for somebody? Who were you petulant and stupid with and when and how? Who had to collect the kids because you couldn’t?
Those are the three questions. People sometimes wonder why there is no fourth question, ie what are the difficulties that other people caused for me? But the purpose of the exercise is to bring balance into our attitudes towards the world and towards our place in it. Anyway, we are probably already spending more time than is helpful reciting our woes and our grievances.
You can apply these three questions very widely. For instance, I would suggest that you spend a little time asking the questions and answering them about the people involved in your upbringing. How many times was your nappy changed? How many times were you fed? How many outfits, how many pairs of shoes were bought for you as a child?
What did you receive from your mother or your father? What did you do for your mother or your father? What difficulties did you cause them?
Do a Naikan reflection on your spouse, and your children, and whoever else is important in your life at the moment.
Naikan sharpens the awareness that everything that you have depended on the contributions of other people. But you have contributed something to them too. And these two things are true, even though you have caused difficulties.
Practising Naikan for five or 10 minutes a day (for instance on the events of the past 24 hours) can help cultivate a sense of both interconnectedness and gratitude. And that’s not a bad way to approach the festive season.
For more on Naikan, spend some time at todoinstitute.org
Padraig O'Morain (pomorain@ireland.com) is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book, Light Mind – Mindfulness for Daily Living, is published by Veritas. His mindfulness newsletter is free by e-mail