GAA fight lacks punch

The Last Straw: One of the biggest lies in Irish life is the one that goes: "We don't want to see this sort of thing on a GAA pitch." The terrible truth is we do want to see this sort of thing on a GAA pitch, and viewing figures for last Sunday's non-title bout between Tyrone and Dublin prove it. TG4 attracted an average 108,000 viewers for the match, peaking at 196,000. And while they can't say the peak coincided with the mass brawl, I have some supporting evidence.

I watched part of the game in the newsroom of The Irish Times, and can confirm that viewing figures there "spiked" for incidents not involving a ball. Some of this interest was work-related, of course. Coverage of football matches is the responsibility of the sports department rather than the newsroom. But violence, generally speaking, is our thing. So when I say I "watched" the match, a more appropriate verb - especially if the editor is reading - would be "monitored".

It was clear this was a developing story that might require our input. Indeed, there was a symbolic moment when the brawl careered off the pitch in Omagh, like it was leaving the sports supplement and heading for general news. "Hold the front page," I shouted.

And yet, for all the cool, dispassionate professionalism that forced me to watch it, I can understand the reaction of those 88,000 vulgarians who tuned into TG4 just because they heard there was a mill. Punch-ups are always popular, so long as nobody gets really hurt. And as umpteen replays have since confirmed, there was no danger of anybody getting hurt last Sunday.

Well, maybe there was, but only when football broke out. Then, there were a number of diving incidents in which Tyrone players threw themselves to the ground with reckless disregard for their own safety. Once the fights started, though, everyone was safe.

I may be guilty of snobbery here, being from a county where famous boxers rank behind only poultry and furniture in importance to the local economy. But I have to agree with the many commentators who described the fight scenes in Omagh as "ugly".

It's true: the lack of even basic pugilistic technique was almost embarrassing to witness. Low-scoring as the football was, the number of wides registered in the brawl was ridiculous.

If they'd had a computer points system, as in amateur boxing, it might have been a nil-all draw.

I think I speak for all purists when I say that such tactical "blanket brawling", in which neither side has room to swing an arm, is not what we want to see on a GAA pitch.

Still, some punishment from the Croke Park authorities is advisable. I believe a one-match ban of the entire Dublin team would be sufficient, just so long as it takes effect before Monaghan play them tomorrow.

Either way, I'm looking forward to the game. Word from home is that Kevin McBride will appear in midfield, subject to a late fitness test on a hand he hurt when retiring Mike Tyson. Barry McGuigan is also expected to come off the bench at some stage.

THE PLAN FOR cable cars on the Liffey is a spectacular piece of forward-thinking: especially by the Swiss cable car manufacturers who want to invest in it. As climate change melts Europe's ski industry, they obviously need to diversify. If they can sell cable cars to Ireland, which gets hardly any snow and has no mountains worth speaking of, they can sell them anywhere.

Visitors to Dublin would probably love it. The idea of going up and down things is central to mass tourism and most cities have structures to oblige: the Eiffel Tower, the Leaning Tower and the Space Needle, for example. City views are much of a muchness everywhere. But you go up, you come down, you feel you've achieved something, and now you can have lunch.

Clearly Dublin lacks a high-rise attraction. But rather than building support masts the size of Liberty Hall, why not work with the monstrosities we already have? If you want daring, I suggest we study the feasibility of tilting the actual Liberty Hall 15 degrees off perpendicular. It would make life more interesting for the union officials who work in it, and tourists would flock there while it lasted (which wouldn't be long - then we'd all be winners).

The success of the Luas has made us think we're Swiss. One simply doesn't run for a tram in Dublin now, because one knows there'll be another in four minutes. But let's not get carried away completely. If this cable car plan goes ahead, I fear we will lose something. I don't know what that something is. Oh wait a minute - I do. The run of ourselves.