Excitable Peter goes overboard in lake incident

Capernaum, 31 A.D.

Environmentalists held a protest here this week at the littering of nearby hills by crowds following the preacher Jesus. He was thought to be staying with his friends Lazarus, Martha, and Mary in Bethany, but he was found last Tuesday on a hill near Lake Galilee. He was in deep mourning for his cousin John.

Thousands of people climbed the hillside. He wanted to be alone, but when he saw their suffering he felt great pity and healed them. The more he healed the more came to him.

As evening approached some of his friends became concerned that people would find nothing to eat. "This is a remote place and it's late. Send them to the villages so they can buy themselves something to eat," they said.

Jesus took no heed and, not for the first time, they were annoyed with him. "He's impossible," they muttered. "How can he be so careless, so irresponsible?"

"They don't need to go away. Give them something to eat," Jesus said to them. They thought - and not for the first time - that he had lost the run of himself.

"For God's sake, look," they responded, "all we have are five loaves and two fish and there must be 5,000 people here." Jesus was unperturbed. "Bring them here," he said. He told the crowd to sit on the grass. Then he took the loaves and fish and looked up to heaven. He prayed. He appeared to say "Thank you" and broke the loaves with his hands.

He called his friends and told them to continue to break the loaves and hand out the bread. "There's hardly enough here for five, never mind 5,000," said Thomas, ". . . it's impossible!" Peter said: "For once in your life, Thomas, will you just do something without telling us it's impossible." And he did.

Everyone ate as much fish and bread as they wanted. and Jesus's friends picked up what was left. In all, 12 baskets were collected. Unfortunately they were dumped not too far from Capernaum and began to attract vermin.

It was that which led to local environmentalists organising a public meeting in Capernaum to protest at what one speaker described as "this outrageous attempt to create a landfill site so near our town". Jesus and his friends were condemned by all for attracting such crowds to the area, leaving the litter now defacing the countryside. There were calls for the Jesus campaign to be banned. Reports of his miracles were dismissed as "trickery".

When a speaker from the crowd said Jesus had fed 5,000 people with five loaves and two fish it too was dismissed as trickery. A local rabbi asked: "Do you really believe all those people went to such a remote place without bringing any food with them? They're not stupid in Galilee. But some people are prepared to believe anything about this Jesus character. Next thing they'll be telling us he can walk on water."

The next day it was reported that Jesus had walked on water. During the night some of his friends were in a boat on the lake when a storm blew up and they thought they would drown. Then they saw Jesus coming to them walking on the water and they didn't know which was most terrifying, imminent death or an encounter with what they thought was a ghost.

"Will ye have a bit of courage. Don't be afraid. It's only me," said Jesus. And, assured it was him, they were wildly excited. Peter got carried away, of course. "If it's yourself, Jesus, then ask me to join you on the water," he said. "Come on then," said Jesus. As soon as he tried - and typically - Peter's bravado began to evaporate. He walked on the water a bit, then got frightened and started to sink. He roared at Jesus, "Save me, save me."

Jesus took Peter's hand and, laughing, said: "O you of little faith." Then, seriously, he asked: "Why did you doubt?" Peter had no answer. The others were amazed. "There's no doubt about it he's the son of God," said one of them. They landed at Gennesaret.

When the rabbi in Capernaum heard the story he said to a crowd gleefully: "Forgive me, please forgive me, for what I am about to say but . . . I told you so!"

* The Galilee News has apologised to Mr Judas Iscariot for "the glaringly accurate report" of his talk on dealing with bad publicity in last week's issue.