PARENTS WHO have high expectations of their children in exams should consider whether these expectations are unrealistic and examine their own motives.

So says Dr Ciaran O'Boyle, professor of psychology at the Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland. Parents who try to live out their own wishes and desires through their children can place unnecessary pressures on their offspring, with the result that some children define themselves by the success ethic.

"Rather than living out their own lives," O'Boyle says, "many people spend a lifetime striving to live up to parental expectations."

He advises parents of exam students to try to look at things from the child's perspective. "Don't add to their worries. Help them with their forward planning and the maintenance of a balanced lifestyle. Routine is important - they need quiet, uninterrupted periods of study with regular breaks and a working environment over which they have control. Some children work in three to four hour blocks, yet all the research shows that after 40 minutes you need a break and a change of tack."

Youngsters can also create their own pressures; often children who do well in exams fail to reward themselves. "They just up the ante and increase the pressure by saying `I'll do better next time'. I tell my students to remember the fable of the farmer who killed the goose that laid the golden egg - you have to got to look after yourself, otherwise you become unproductive."

Schools - even at primary level - should be teaching stress management, O'Boyle says. "Children today are experiencing unprecedented levels of stress largely because of exam pressure and the points race. If we put them under such pressure we should teach them how to handle it."

HOWEVER, he warns against misusing the terminology. "Before we talk about stress, we need to define what it means," he says. "Stress occurs when a person perceives a mismatch between the demands that are made upon him and his ability to cope. The mismatch can occur when the demands are either too great and the person is subjected to overload or when there is underload - when a person is unemployed for example."

It is the way a person perceives a situation, O'Boyle says, rather than the situation itself that causes stress. "You can't say that a situation is stressful or that exams are stressful - there are huge differences between what is stressful for one person and what will cause anxiety in another

"Every child is different and will respond differently to a given situation... Some people say that stress is being uptight - but that is simply a response to stress. not stress itself."

He cites research identifying four ways in which people respond to stress: the emotional response, when people display anger or irritability; the behavioural response, when people may take to drink or absent themselves; the psychological response, when people freeze in exams or get stage fright and the physical response, when people feel tired or suffer from aches and pains.

COPING WITH stress O'Boyle says, involves identifying the sources of stress and how the person responds to it, then gauging how accurately the perceptions concerning the problem are. There are a number of techniques for coping with stress; he teaches the "CALM" model.

The acronym CALM stands for "Change the situation"; "Accept the situation and change how you think"; "Let of the belief that you have to be perfect and score top marks and substitute this for `I'll do my best'"; and "Managed lifestyle" - which includes relaxation, sleep, regular exercise and a good diet.

A managed lifestyle, O'Boyle says, is about decreasing one's vulnerability to stress. "The greater your physical health, the more easily you can tolerate stress. Unfortunately, in the run up to the exams, sleep, exercise and diet tend to be put to one side."

Time management and the ability to distinguish between what can and cannot be controlled are vital, he says. "People working up to the exams need to distinguish between what is important and what is just urgent. Students should divide their work up into four blocks: (1) the important and urgent; (2) the important and not urgent; (3) the not important and urgent; (4) the not important and not urgent.

"I find that people spend time on boxes 1, 3 and 4 but no time on box 2. Yet box 2 is extremely important preparation, planning and timetabling are vital for exam success. Students need to have a planned approach to their work, decide what is important and use the quadrant to ensure that they are not just dealing with crisis.

"By using box 2 and planning, students gain a sense of control. The process helps to diminish the crisis and enables students to gain confidence."

Work should be organised on a fortnightly, rather than a daily basis he says. "You need the bigger picture which gives you a greater sense of control and this helps you to deal with anxiety."

Students who are suffering from stress need to change their thinking. "You have to examine the perception and judge whether it is accurate. The perception that you are going to fail feeds the anxiety. Students often come to me and tell me that they are going to fail - and yet when I check out their past performances I discover that they have never yet failed."

IN ORDER TO reduce anxiety levels he recommends a `worry technique' that asks four questions:

. What is the worst thing that can happen to you?

. How likely is it to happen? Is there a 10 per cent or a 60 per cent chance of it happening?

. Could you live with the worst outcome?

. How would you cope if the worst happened?

By answering these questions students can begin to put things into perspective. The "likelihood" question is vital: if you did well in your previous exams it's likely you'll do well in your next exams.

Students who are experiencing stress need the support of their families. "It's important to keep the lines of communication open. Simply talking things out with the youngster can help him or her to regain perspective.

"Anxiety is pernicious and very difficult to counter, especially when so much is riding on the exams. Parents need good listening skills and the ability to read between the lines and hear what message the child is transmitting."