ALCOHOLISM 15 recognised as a serious problem affecting not just the sufferer but also his or her family. Children growing up in homes where there is active alcoholism are exposed to a wide variety of problems and difficulties resulting from alcohol misuse in the home, and they can be seriously affected.

The reaction of the parent who does not misuse alcohol, how she or he is affected and the quality of his or her relationship with the children have a very important bearing on the children's emotional well-being.

There are a number of serious problems experienced by children in this situation.

(1) Uncertainty, confusion: Probably the most baffling aspect of the child's life is the sheer inconsistency of the relationship with the parent who has alcoholism, and this brings with it uncertainty and often anger.

At times, a person who has alcoholism can be the most loving of parents. At other times he or she can change from a loving parent into an inconsiderate and selfish drinker. The fact that the children are never sure just what behaviour they will meet makes for anxiety, unease and, frequently, confusion in their lives.

Children observe a home life that is sometimes very different from those of their friends. They are often afraid to bring friends home in case of chaos or a crisis, and they frequently do not want others to know about the problem in their family.

Broken promises are common. Broken promises damage a child's trust and belief in life.

(2) Lack of family communication: A common feature of many homes affected by alcoholism is that few such families engage in direct honest communication about the problem. As the alcoholism progresses, the family becomes more isolated. The members withdraw from each other and avoid contact. Real contact with friends is often reduced as well.

(3) Conflict between parents: Children may witness arguments or fights between parents. They may be expected to take sides and be drawn into the conflict. They may stay awake at night, listening to conflict. The emotional security which they need is missing, and they are left feeling unsure, hurt and confused.

(4) Practical difficulties: A shortage of money and other day-to-day problems are not uncommon.

Common Feelings

The common feelings that children in such families experience include:

ongoing feelings of tension - they worry a lot;

confusion and uncertainty - they are often unable to make sense of what is happening;

fear, panic or terror about what is happening or what may happen next;

guilt - some children feel that they themselves are responsible for the parent's drinking;

a sense of helplessness and hopelessness at their inability to help or change the situation;

loneliness - they may become isolated from friends, neighbours and the wider family through shame and embarrassment about family circumstances (this is more likely with older children);

anger, hostility, resentment and hatred at being let down, being given intolerable responsibilities and burdens and being "different from other children";

lack of confidence.

Sometimes the non-problem drinking parent is able to draw on personal and other resources to sustain a satisfactory home life in spite of the problem drinking. This ability of the partner to adopt positive coping strategies can be the major factor in protecting the children from potential harmful effects.

Children's Needs

There are several key needs for children who are exposed to alcoholism.

(1) A parent to rely on: Children need someone who is emotionally healthy to rely on. The presence of one loving, caring, consistent parent can make an enormous difference in the child's life. So get whatever help and support you need from professional agencies, Al-Anon or friends.

The best thing we can do for our children is to become emotionally healthy adults ourselves. As you become more positive about yourself, you are likely to build a better relationship with your children.

(2) Information on alcohol and alcoholism: Children need information on alcoholism to make sense of the things that are happening. It helps them understand what is going on in the home. This helps to clear the confusion and get rid of some of the guilt - and then they can start to build their self-esteem.

(3) Reassurance and support: The importance of someone being available simply to listen, to understand and to give information about alcohol misuse cannot be over-stressed. Children need to articulate their feelings and to try to make sense of their situation.

They need to know that it is okay to talk about their hurt, anger, guilt, worries etc. Feelings, when talked about openly, are more manageable and the child begins to feel better about him or herself.

(4) Encouragement to live their own lives: Children need to be reminded that they are not responsible for the drinking problem and that there is little, if anything, they can do about the drinking. Encourage them to become involved in interests that could help enlarge their lives, give them scope to develop and help them experience enjoyment.

They should be encouraged not to bottle-up problems, negative-thoughts and feelings, but to find someone, somewhere, to whom they can talk. Alateen can be really useful, since the young person is likely to feel understood and have a sense of belonging with the group.

(5) Advice on how to cope with emergencies and crises: Children should not expect to have to put up with certain things. They have a right to involve others, such as school counsellors or, in emergencies, the gardai.

Attempting to meet the needs of children in this situation is challenging and demanding. The key word in attempting to do this is support - support for yourself and support for your children.