Understand why you might respond with anger and you will communicate better, writes Tony Humphreys

I know that when I use cross words I am at sixes and sevens within myself and there is something happening that is a threat to my presence. The cross words are not designed to hurt, put down and demean the person(s) at the receiving end, but, nonetheless, this is their darkening effect. My purpose is to attempt to control the other so they will not be a threat to my security. However, that is putting an unfair responsibility for my security on to another and it also maintains my dependency on another for recognition. It is important for both myself and the other person that I own my own vulnerability and seize it as an opportunity for personal and interpersonal development.

There are many possible precipitants to my becoming cross - being shown up, failure; lack of appreciation, ignoring my presence, cynicism, sarcasm, verbal aggression, work pressures, exam pressures, somebody not turning up birthday is not remembered.

The list is potentially exhaustive, particularly when you are dependent on people and things outside of yourself to help you feel good. When you examine each of the precipitants above, it is very clear that your sense of yourself is enmeshed with what happens outside yourself. It is that very enmeshment that will trigger your cross reaction. Possible cross responses to the above experiences are - to put down the person who shows you up, to blame failure on others or unfair examination system, to command appreciation, to verbally attack the person(s) ignoring your presence, to be even more sarcastic than your opponent, to fight verbal aggression with verbal aggression, to complain about work pressuresand so on. Even though the purpose of the above responses is to make sure those things do not happen again, the problem is you diminish the person(s) you attack and you are not dealing with the underlying causes. Nothing will change and the cycle of your crossness in response to outside threats will continue.

Ironically, your cross responses to others often mirror your internal conflicts and breaking the vicious cycle of cross words lies in focusing on those issues. In examining the two lists above, hypothetical internal causes may be - poor self-esteem, fear of failure, dependence on approval, out of touch with own presence, dependent on how others see you, wanting people to like you, poor nurturance of self; enmeshment of your worth with work, getting recognition through success, not being there for yourself, not celebrating self.

I am not at all suggesting that you show passive responses to behaviour or circumstances that darken your presence. On the contrary, I would wish that you strongly assert your worth in the face of any lessening of your presence. But the central issue is that you do not demean or lessen another person's presence because you are feeling vulnerable. The constructive and mature approach is to touch into your own sacred person and from that solid interior ground, to voice your worth and value and stay independent of people's responses to such maturity. Sadly, it is our light, not our darkenss, that can threaten others.

Mature responses to the list of precipitants given above could be: "I am happy to own my oversight on that matter" "I can build on that failure" "I appreciate my own efforts and can request (not command) appreciation from others" "Cynicism is a revelation of the other person's vulnerability; it is not about me" "I will assert my own beliefs and not be controlled with sarcasm" "Out of respect for myself and the other I will not respond to verbal aggression" "I need to get my priorities right around work" "I can request my birthday be remembered"

Communication is a difficult process but it helps enormously when you attempt to communicate from the centre of your own immense worth.

• Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of The Family: Love it and Leave it