Q. Why is it called the Amsterdam Treaty?
A: Quite simply, because "The Amsterdam" was the name of the pub in Brussels where the negotiations were completed last December, following an eleventh-hour compromise in which the Germans accepted it was their round but insisted they weren't buying doubles. The idea of the treaty had first come up earlier the same day, over lunch at the Gros Lapin restaurant. However, it was feared that calling it after this venue might be seen as a veiled French attack on Helmut Kohl.
Q. What exactly will I be voting on?
A. You will be asked to accept or reject an amendment to Article 29 of the Constitution, adding the words: "The State may exercise the options or discretions provided by or under Articles 1.11, 2.5 and 2.15 of the treaty referred to in subsection 5 of this section and the second and fourth protocols set out in the said treaty in order to assume full control of [lots of boring stuff here about personal bank accounts, deeds of your house, etc, etc] and anything else we think of in the meantime."
Q. How will the treaty bring us closer to Europe?
A: By means of the same advanced drilling technology which will be used on the underground section of Dublin's light rail system. Of course, there will have to be geological surveys first. But the hope is that by about 2005, the LUAS system will be linked to the Paris Metro via a tunnel in three sections: one each for cars and trains and a third for flying pigs and other traffic.
Q. I know it's nothing to do with the Amsterdam Treaty, but how does Israel qualify to take part in a European song contest?
A. Israel used to be classified as a "middle-eastern" country, but it always felt like a European state trapped in a middle-eastern state's body. Following a successful operation at a Swiss clinic some years ago, however, it now has all the working parts of a European country.
Q. Does the treaty address the democratic deficit in the EU?
A. Yes, the treaty proposes a gradual increase in democracy, with the eventual aim of creating an EU democracy mountain by the year 2010. Surplus democracy will then be passed to poorer countries at below-market rates.
Q. Is enlargement of the community a concern for the drafters of the treaty?
A. Yes. There is a fear that if Helmut Kohl gets any bigger, his condition will be a threat to the security of any small countries he visits.
Q. No, but seriously, does the treaty deal with the problems likely to arise from the accession of new member states?
A. Yes, there is some attempt to reduce the bureaucratic burden which would arise from the accession of the next wave of countries, which includes the Czech Republic, Hungary, Bulgaria, Freedonia, Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia.
Q. Wait a minute, "Estonia" isn't a real country, is it?
A. Well spotted.
Q. I have a hamster called "George" who has this habit of crawling into the washing machine when I leave the door open. I forgot this recently and activated the full spin cycle with George inside. Since then, he won't go near his treadmill. What should I do?
A. I think your question may have been misdirected from the popular "Ask About Pets" radio feature. However, given the enormous complexity of EU treaties, it's impossible to be sure. So I can only suggest you put George back in the washing machine and try reversing the spin cycle. A good plumber will show you how.
Q: Does the treaty affect our neutrality?
A. The simple answer to this is no. Or yes, depending on who's asking. Basically there are two interpretations of the common security policy: one is that a European army will be involved only in humanitarian missions, such as helping schoolchildren cross the road; while the other would mean, roughly, "we invade Poland in August". However, the unique nature of the Irish Army means that if and when the call to arms comes, we as a nation will probably not hear it anyway.
Q. Do we have a veto on defence decisions?
A. Yes. Each member state can exercise an "emergency brake" option. But this is a complex mechanism which, if not exercised properly, can cause serious neck problems.
Q. Isn't there a convenient analogy between the EU's qualified majority voting system and Dublin's traffic management?
A. Funny you should ask that. But yes, the qualified majority voting (QMV) rules are a bit like quality bus corridors (QBCs). In theory they should speed up movement, but in reality there'll always be some idiot in the bus lane attempting the emergency braking mechanism at 8 o'clock in the morning. Like the Government and QBC, the EU has been slow to extend use of QMV, and the decision-making process remains painfully slow. Still not as slow as the 49B, though.
Q. I read somewhere that the treaty will involve reorganisation of the EU's "Diplomatic Troika". What exactly is this?
A. The Diplomatic Troika is a Brussels-based three-piece band which plays a lot of the commission functions. The reorganisation is required following the recent emergency braking accident involving the group's van driver.
Q. The treaty is supposed to tackle the problem of social exclusion. Will this make it any easier to get into Lillie's Bordello on a Saturday night?
A. No. Certain night clubs remain exempted from the provisions under the so-called "Lillie's Bordello protocol".
Q. Does the EU really need another treaty anyway?
A. Yes. There is a real fear among senior Eurocrats that, despite the extraordinary complexity of existing treaties, there may actually be some people somewhere out there who still understand what's going on. The Amsterdam Treaty should finally rectify this.