When Lisa Ryan’s relationship ended in 2022, a lack of affordable and suitable options meant she and her ex-partner would have to continue living together with their young son, even though they were no longer a couple.
“We needed to make it work that we would be able to share custody, and that our son was not going to be negatively impacted by having to move around schools or anything like that,” she says.
But the situation was “to the detriment of both of our mental health”, she says, “because realistically that’s not a situation that you could be in for very long”.
The percentage of people in Ireland who are separated or divorced stands at 6 per cent, according to the 2022 census. Relationship breakdowns are rarely easy, but when coupled with a housing and rent crisis that prevents one partner from finding or affording somewhere else to live, a whole new set of challenges can emerge.
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Ryan, from Wexford but living in Dublin, and her son’s father had been together for almost a decade. She says she was “trying to get over the grief process [of a long-term relationship ending] ... you’re then having to deal with the fact that their dishes are still in the sink. You’re still having the same arguments as what you would have about the way the house is, but you’re not getting any of the good parts of the relationship”.
“Both of us were being driven completely mad by the other person, by the end of it,” she says. “I was dying last year, when the election was on, for one of them [politicians] to come to the door so that I could go ‘this is the situation that you have people living through’. I’ve been dealing with mental health issues for a number of years, so it wouldn’t have been the first time that I had issues with it, but I was definitely made a lot worse by the fact this was the living situation. And I was very aware this was also what our son was seeing.
“It comes with so much more distress, and you’re not able to properly move on from the break-up when you don’t have your own space to be in.
“And I do think it makes it more confusing as well. Our son was eight and it took several goes of us going ‘no, Mammy and Daddy are not together any more. We’re good friends, but we’re not in a relationship any more’.”
Two years ago Ryan managed to get a place of her own. While she found the rent expensive, she’s relieved not to be searching at current market rates.
Ashe Conrad-Jones separated from her husband Rob Jones 13 years ago, but they still live together. She also runs a business with her ex-husband. They have separate bathrooms and bedrooms within their house, but share a kitchen and diningroom.
So how do they make living together after a relationship break up work?
When the couple first broke up Ashe was “furious” that they had to continue living together. “It was hugely difficult and horrible.” Financially it wasn’t “viable” for her to leave the business.
They still had to deal with “anger, frustration and hurt”, in the early years, she says, but “the counterpoint for both of us was ... ‘we have to start again, [We have to] draw a line in the sand and start again’. Particularly because we have to run a business together ... we don’t discuss the past because that relationship is no longer relevant.”
Neither Ashe nor Rob have dated anyone since their break-up, so no difficulties have arisen there. But they are aware that their children are getting older, which has made them think about the future. “We’re not divorced, so we’re talking about getting formally divorced for the first time.” Ashe doesn’t know if they will live separately when the children leave home “because again it comes down to finances”, she says.
Rob’s thinking is similar. It helps that the children are still at home, he says. But in considering the future, he admits, “it changes all the time. Sometimes I think I can’t wait to get out. Other times it’s fine ... The housing situation doesn’t help. I have thought about moving and I have looked, but the financial [side] of buying at the moment. It’s just crazy. It’s wrong. It’s criminal”.
Niamh Delmar is a counselling psychologist who runs The Greystones Health and Wellbeing Centre in Co Wicklow. When a relationship breaks down, she says, “it is challenging for both parties to shift the relationship status and this can be emotionally draining and stressful”.
“There is loss in the process. Both [people] may not be at the same pace. Navigating this new relationship is a transition that requires conversations and planning.
“Research shows that maintaining a strong familial bond is beneficial for children. If there is conflict between partners, it is damaging to the children The arrangement needs to be communicated to children to in age-appropriate way.”
For former couples continuing to live in the same home, “boundaries, expectations and ground rules need to be mutually agreed on and respected”, Delmar says. “Household and childcare responsibilities can be negotiated. Couples’ counselling and family therapy can help navigate the transition more smoothly. Mediation and legal advice help to guide couples towards the future so they don’t feel trapped.”
It’s essential that the living space “facilitates privacy” for each person, she says, advising that everyone “sets clear expectations around finances, new relationships and each others’ needs”.
Setting “a timeframe for moving on” that couples can work towards can be helpful, she says.
Daniel* separated from his wife a few years ago, but until recently was still living with her. “There was no finish line, because once you’re finished the relationship, you still have to work out the practicalities. And that takes a long time,” he says.
“You’re advised not to leave the family home, by anyone who’s been through it before ... ‘if you leave, you’ll never get back in, and you hand over all your rights’ ... and you don’t want to leave, because you don’t want to leave your children. The marriage is ended, but your desire to be part of a family isn’t.”
Daniel says it was hard to know how to “be” when he was still living in the house with his ex-wife. Coupled with the stress of the relationship breakdown, “Covid hit”, bringing the additional pressures of lockdown. “The experience of that was incredibly difficult and confusing,” he says.
Daniel remembers struggling when it became apparent his ex-wife was moving on with her life more quickly than he was. “Having to witness that, and live with it all the time, was really challenging for me, if I’m honest,” he says.
“It’s incredibly upsetting. It’s incredibly difficult, but there’s nothing you can do about it because from a financial perspective, neither of us were in a position to create deposits for a house overnight, despite being on really good salaries.
“It’s just pressure. You’re going in, in the evening time, and you’re trying to not create an atmosphere. Or hoping that there won’t be an atmosphere. Or trying to protect the kids from an atmosphere that might be there over something. And you’re going through mediation at the time as well ... and those sessions are hard, but you’ve to go back to the same house afterwards. And somebody might have said something in that session that was hurtful to the other person.”
Daniel says he “bit his tongue” a lot to avoid rows, but this came at a cost. “All through that time I had sleep problems. I had issues with anxiety. I had issues with mood ... I went through everything you can think of in terms of mental torment.”
Living together “prolongs the pain” of the relationship breakdown, he says.
Although he has now moved out, the significant financial pressures of paying maintenance and running a second home mean Daniel has found himself questioning, “Did I make a huge mistake in terms of quality of life?
“People think once you’re out of it and you’re in your own house, that’s the end of it. That’s not the end of it. That’s only the start of it. There’s a whole other adjustment you have to go through at that point.”
Nicola* is in her 50s. She split from her husband a few years ago after repeated attempts to make their marriage work. “From my point of view, it was just a very loveless marriage as such, and I felt pretty much on my own within the marriage,” she says.
Although they’re no longer a couple, they still live in the same house. It’s a situation Nicola finds incredibly difficult. They’ve rearranged the house to tide them over, but the housing crisis has made the ongoing situation even more difficult.
You get tired, you get cranky ... you’re just tense all the time, and stressed. If people ask me how I’m doing, one day I could say ‘I’m fine’, and then another day I’d just break down in tears
— Ciara
“We both work. We’ve got good jobs ... I work to send the kids to school and pay college fees and stuff. Rent is just extortionate.” Nicola’s ex-husband doesn’t want to return to living with his parents and “I don’t want to leave the kids”, she says.
“I’d say I’m in a worse situation than I was when I came to the decision [to separate],” she says. “You think things will move on, and you think you’ll be able to move on with your life ... and I’m not getting any younger.”
Nicola says she would like to meet someone new. “I would like to hold out hope that I could be in a happy relationship,” she says, becoming upset. “I kind of feel guilt that they [Nicola’s children] haven’t seen a healthy relationship.”
She worries about the impact the living situation is having on the couples’ children. “I would like to make a happy home for my kids, and a lot of the homemaking part of me has gone on hold. I feel like I can’t make a home when he’s still here. We basically spend most of our time trying to avoid each other.
“He says he’s looking for places to rent, but that’s a big chunk that’s going to come out of our finances ... rent and a deposit ... it’s a huge amount of money to find.”
[ I asked my husband for a divorce – everyone thinks I made a mistake. Did I?Opens in new window ]
Nicola admits much of her hope for escaping the situation is pinned on a future inheritance. “As cynical as it sounds, the only hope is that something down the line, he gets some money from inheritance ... that sounds horrible.”
Ciara’s* marriage difficulties began after her second child was born. The couple tried counselling but agreed afterwards that they would separate. Her husband is “making it difficult on all fronts”, she says. “He says he’s going to move out, then he’s not moving out.”
She lives in an affluent part of Dublin, “so you’re talking high rent, high mortgages”, she says. “Neither of us want to move the kids out of the area, but then we’re stuck in limbo.”
The stress of the situation has impacted Ciara’s sleep. “You get tired, you get cranky ... you’re just tense all the time, and stressed. If people ask me how I’m doing, one day I could say ‘I’m fine’, and then another day I’d just break down in tears.”
Not many people know of Ciara’s situation. “He’s not happy that I’m telling people,” she says. Their young children haven’t been told what’s going on. “The older one is ... picking up the cues. They can see that we don’t spend time together. We don’t talk to each other. There’s no hugs or kisses, any kind of emotional or physical contact.”
It upsets her that she can’t explain the situation to her children. “And at the same time it hurts me when I see how he treats me in front of them.”
*Names have been changed
