It’s the scene of intense rivalry, ruthless determination and feverish self-promotion in which a motley crew of individuals compete for the ultimate prize.
But enough about The Traitors Ireland. Presidential Election Ireland is this autumn’s other big franchise and, so far, the casting process for the main candidate roles seems haphazard, even chaotic.
If you mistakenly assumed Jim Gavin was a junior minister whose existence you had forgotten, still think “Gareth Sheridan” sounds like a composite of other people in the news, or aren’t totally sure what Heather Humphreys did in government anyway, you might be clamouring for an injection of star power at this eleventh hour.
Bob Geldof and meteorologist Joanna Donnelly are the latest high-profile figures to do the decent, patriotic thing and make a late pitch for Áras an Uachtaráin. Here, in this guaranteed politician-free zone, are eight others who should consider a tilt at the presidency (eligibility rules notwithstanding in some cases).
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Colin Farrell
Presidential candidates love telling us all about the policies they favour, as if that’s the gig. Actors can be relied upon to understand the assignment. Colin Farrell is a passionate speaker, persuasive fundraiser and seasoned Hollywood performer who would bring a touch of swagger to the role. Better still, Americans have already heard of him.
With the Áras located down the road from his home suburb of Castleknock, a stint as president Farrell would count as a return to his roots. As for the bruising rough-and-tumble of campaigning, that should be no bother to a man who once auditioned to be in Boyzone.
Samantha Mumba
Every presidential election needs a Eurovision-adjacent candidate, and while Jedward would no doubt be keen on a job-share, the smart choice is Samantha Mumba. She might have met her Waterloo this year at Eurosong, the national contest, but her eagerness to represent Ireland on an international stage has been noted. Maybe it’s time we tested the theory that there is no better training for taking over the world than being a Billie Barry kid.
There’s also the fact that, in 2005, as part of a stunt for RTÉ TV show Anonymous, Mumba attended an Áras reception disguised as a nun. As head-of-State backstories go, this is iconic.
Liam Neeson
He has played Rob Roy, Oskar Schindler and Michael Collins, so Liam Neeson’s on-screen displays of leadership are impeccable. And, as he famously told us in his big speech in Taken, he has a very particular set of skills. Skills he has acquired over a very long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for Catherine Connolly and other would-be presidents.
These skills include seeing off controversy, being deadpan and possibly dating Pamela Anderson – the rumoured relationship hasn’t been confirmed by either actor. Romance or faux-mance? Katie Hannon, RTÉ’s designated candidate interviewer, should be given the chance to get to the bottom of this mystery between now and polling day.
David McCullagh
Speaking of RTÉ, Miriam O’Callaghan has long been the Montrose name mentioned in connection with the presidency, though colleague David McCullagh has some solid credentials of his own. Yes, he’s just been announced as the replacement for Claire Byrne on Radio 1’s Today programme, but is that really the challenge he’s looking for?
McCullagh, as his books and two-part documentary on Éamon de Valera show, is an expert on one past holder of the role. Might he be harbouring a secret, deeply buried desire to become president himself? The only thing we can say for certain is that group photographs of world heads of state would be enlivened by his quizzical eyebrow.
Aunt Sarah from Derry Girls
The campaign starts here for Belfast-born actor Kathy Kiera Clarke to run for president in character as Aunt Sarah from Derry Girls.
Innocent yet gravely serious, Aunt Sarah’s grasp of detail and societal conventions in Lisa McGee’s sitcom is hit-and-miss. She’s surprised to discover she has inadvertently agreed to a marriage proposal, for example, which might point to a high risk of diplomatic disaster while in office. But she can recognise a cracker blow-dry when she sees one, while she also possesses a qualification no previous president has declared on their LinkedIn: a certificate in psychic readings.
Brendan, Dublin City Council’s AI tour guide
This summer Dublin City Council partnered with artificial intelligence app company CityMe AI to introduce Brendan, who we were told was an AI-powered tour guide. But what if he was actually the advance party for an AI takeover of the Áras?
Indefatigable Brendan tells us he’s “absolutely buzzin’” to bring us on a journey through the city of Oscar Wilde, aka “the GOAT [greatest of all time] himself”. This obvious interest in heritage and the arts should make him a worthy successor to Michael D Higgins in the eyes of all but the most technophobic of voters.
Man Who Slipped on Ice
Ireland “needs a president who can bring people together”, says Gavin. Step forward (carefully) Man Who Slipped on Ice. The veteran of a viral RTÉ News report from the Dublin pavements of January 2010 could be the one true unity candidate.
Nothing is known about him except he was not seriously hurt. To maintain this enigma, no voter would be allowed to see his face, though they would remain compelled by his innate relatability to elect him. As president, Man Who Slipped on Ice would be proficient in the international language of slapstick, while providing an enduring commentary on the frailty of the human condition. His silhouette would always enter rooms mid-fall.
CMAT
Ciara Mary-Alice Thompson, aka country-pop singer CMAT, appears to have some advantages over an unidentified man, a fictional character and a soulless AI, though there’s still a barrier between the self-styled Dunboyne Diana and the presidency. Born in 1996, she’s constitutionally too young to run this year. But could she be laying the groundwork for a 2032 bid?
“All the big boys, all the Berties/ All the envelopes, yeah, they hurt me,” she sings on Euro-Country, in a spot of political commentary that may or may not double as a future negative-campaigning tactic – a sort of “don’t even think about it, Ahern” hiding in plain sight. Perhaps her recent single Running/Planning is also a clue to her ambitions? Find out in seven years.
