Christmas is a time for friends and family. “The most wonderful time of the year,” or so the song goes. But for those bereaved and grieving Christmas can be an incredibly difficult time too. Trying to live up to the expectations of others and navigate the jolliness of a season that rarely pauses to consider the palpable sense of loss experienced by those who are intensely aware of the absence of a loved one can be utterly overwhelming.
“Christmas can be a particularly challenging time for a number of reasons,” says clinical psychologist Mark Smyth. “We may have especially fond memories of times with our loved ones during Christmas, so those memories understandably can be activated, and the lived reality of them not being with us to create more memories can heighten the sense of loss we’re feeling.”
If we have lost someone that year or an anniversary occurs at Christmas time, then we have a choice, Smyth continues, “to fake how we’re feeling for the sake of others or avoid people where we can, because we can’t face pretending to be happy when we’re grieving inside”.
“At the best of times, Irish people can be reluctant to ask for help, but especially at Christmas time they worry even more about not burdening others because they don’t want to risk dampening the Christmas spirits of others with their grief, so they keep it to themselves,” says Smyth.
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Balance is important, he explains. Complete withdrawal is unhelpful as it could increase our sense of loss with loneliness.
Smyth recommends “setting the bar of expectation low”. Enjoying Christmas might be too high a bar for some; for other people, “just being around others and sometimes surviving the first Christmas without a loved one can be realistic”.
When it comes to supporting someone who is struggling with grief at Christmas, Smyth cautions against telling people how they “should” feel.
“Everyone grieves individually,” he says. “If they need space, give it to them, but check in every now and again. Don’t expect them to want to talk about their loss. Sometimes all they need or are ready for is to be around someone doing a mundane activity like having a coffee or going for a walk, where they know they can talk if they want to, but aren’t forced or expected to.”
For some who are grieving, turning their focus to children within the family can be their way of getting through the season, Smyth explains. But what about when the person who has died is a child or a young adult?
We make mistakes and the following year we reevaluate again because, in truth, our grief moves and it shifts
— Carmel Battigan
Carmel Battigan, sadly, has experience of this both in a professional and personal capacity. She works as a hospital chaplain and lost her own beloved son Carl to cancer when he was just 18 years old. She is one of the founders of Anam Cara, a charity that supports bereaved parents.
“Christmas is just huge,” says Battigan. “It’s a huge event in the first few years for people and it takes time to adjust, to know what to do. We make mistakes and the following year we re-evaluate again because, in truth, our grief moves and it shifts”.
“I would find the lead-up to Christmas harder,” says Battigan. “All the festivities – you’re taken off guard. Suddenly there’s all Christmas cheer in supermarkets, shopping centres and in town.”
“Invitations will come. You don’t really know whether you’re going to be able to go or whether you want to stay at home, or whether you even want to have a Christmas. If you have young children, then people will do Christmas – and parents will say their motivation is for their other children.
“In my case he was the youngest, so you’ve older children in their 20s. So it’s a different situation; you have choices then.”
Battigan says that in such instances it is important to talk as a family about Christmas invitations.
“Explain to them that you’re not sure how you’re going to be,” she advises. “Explain to them, yes, you might like to come for half a day [and] see how you go. Or, if you decide to cancel, is that okay with the family? If they’re comfortable with your loss, you might surprise yourself if you go to someone’s house.”
If someone is able to accept where you’re at with your loss and your grief – “huge loss, huge changes within your family” – and to talk about your son or daughter who has died, then include the child you lost in the day, Battigan suggests.
“Include them in the conversation; maybe come up with some new rituals around it as well,” she says. “You might find that you’re able to stay for a little bit longer than you thought originally.”
Navigating grief during Christmas
- Check in with yourself. Ask, “Am I okay? Can I do this for another hour or two or do I need to leave at this point?”
- Make a plan in advance, if you can. For example, consider buying any Christmas presents you may need to buy well in advance so you don’t have to face the festive build-up in the shops.
- Take offers of help from people you trust. If friends and family want to cook for you, let them.
- Don’t put pressure on yourself to be happy. If you feel tears coming, don’t try to stop them. Let them flow and don’t judge yourself for it.
- Share stories of your loved one. It may hurt but it will help to ease the burden of pain too.
