Party season is approaching and the fashion police are out

Some people have the irritating habit of telling you things you don’t need to know.

They also love saying unhelpful things, such as “did you know there was a ladder in the back of your tights?” Yes, I do know, thanks very much. Yes, there’s always someone who’s kind enough to mind everyone else’s business instead of their own, who will gleefully point it out in front of the other guests standing in the polite semicircle of conversation. Don’t tell me that there’s a ladder in my tights or that my skirt hem has fallen or that my underwear line is visible through my pants. I maintain that I have no business knowing what I look like from the back. I can’t see it so it’s not my responsibility. I cannot be troubled by what I don’t know about. Let me enjoy this peace. Please.

With the Christmas party season approaching, let us remind ourselves it is not our job to comment on the appearance of other people. Outside of the safe, quick-hit compliments such as “ooh lovely top!” or “nice haircut”, how someone else looks is none of our business.

Somewhere along the line, slagging people’s bodies became tarted up as “kindly constructive feedback”. We know what that looks like out in the wild. The nice-nasty sting of “she’s a very pretty girl but I don’t think the straps on that dress are flattering on her”. Or “that top is nice but you are hanging out of it; you could do with a nice little jacket over it”. These kinds of remarks are just socially acceptable ways to say “I think you are fat and/or slutty and what I think matters more than how you feel about yourself.”

Brianna Parkins: Here’s some of the best life advice I’ve ever received

---

Brianna Parkins: What’s infuriating about neurotypicals? Here’s a list

---

Brianna Parkins: Taylor Swift isn’t the first to monetise her heartbreak. Here are five of the best examples

---

Brianna Parkins: I’m sick of being asked why I don’t have kids

---

[ Brianna Parkins: At my lowest, I wouldn’t leave the house if I wasn’t ‘presentable’ because ‘what if someone saw?’ ]

[ Why do people lose perspective and rational thinking over local issues? ]

Worst of all, they’re phrased in the passive-aggressive trap of someone trying to “help”, with the implication we should be grateful to the person who has just insulted us. Why do some people – family, relatives, colleagues, internet hobgoblins – feel emboldened to fashion police others?

Personally, I blame 2000s television where it was entertainment to watch two terrifying, posh women ambush innocent women to tell them they dressed like sh*t while making fun of the contents of their wardrobe, including their underwear, on national telly.

“THEY GIVE YOU A VPL!” Trinny or Suzannah would point and laugh because in the olden days of 2002, the evidence that you were normal and wore undies under your jeans was embarrassing. Our biggest concern would have been someone seeing a telltale seam through the seat of our pants when it should have been asking why creeps were scrutinising our bums so closely.

Then the victim would be dragged around clothes shops while Trinny and Suzannah berated their choice of jean cut, screeching “THEY DO NOTHING FOR YOUR LOVE HANDLES.” It was a simpler time when a breed of celebrity stylists told us they could solve our self-loathing via the healing properties of a necklace and a peplum top. Feeling down about your loveless marriage? You just need to balance out your proportions with some shoulder pads. Recession worries? A versalite jacket to take you from day to night will solve that.

It gave us the false idea that we were “helping” by assessing others and then spewing our unwanted, unsolicited judgment at them. Something we should put in the rag bag with the boot-cut jeans and polo tops as we leave unflattering things that don’t look good on us behind.

The shops will soon start to fill up with “Christmas party” ranges. These clothes seem to be always velvet, always sequinned or shiny and they cater to a specific insecurity. That the work/family/book club/parents group/druid circle Christmas “do” is coming up and you have nothing to wear. You can’t wear your good shirt again, they’ll remember you wore that last time and everyone monitors your clothing so they can talk about you behind your back in secret WhatsApp groups named “The absolute state of yer wan/man.” Which seems like a very rational thought when standing in the changing room flailing about with your arms pinned to your ears and an item of overpriced, undersized polyester clothing stuck on your head.

This year I am going to try my best to avoid all that. I am the embodiment of positive inspirational quotes on coffee mugs. I will dance like no one is watching and dress like nobody is judging.