How to feel better about yourself: Everyone has an inner voice, some are meaner than others

Our sense of self-worth impacts everything – from our happiness to our relationships and even our job prospects. How we value ourselves has a big influence on our flourishing, so it’s important to interrogate how we think and talk to ourselves.

“Self-worth has been described as the ability to see yourself in all of your flaws, in all of your imperfections, and to still hold yourself in high regard,” says Louize Carroll, consultant psychologist and co-founder of Prismtherapy.online.com.

It starts early

Our sense of self begins forming when we are children. “It’s formed by how somebody speaks to us, by how somebody listens to us – if we are not being listened to, or if we are being aggressively spoken to, ignored or dismissed, that shapes how we see ourselves,” says Carroll. “We talk about our inner critic, that’s an inherited critic. We didn’t lick it off the ground. That inner voice has come because of what we have witnessed, or because of things spoken directly to us,” she says.

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Question the inner voice

Everyone has an inner voice, some voices are meaner than others. “Your inner voice, or the way you speak to yourself, you just take it for granted, you don’t see it as separate to you, you see it as you,” says Carroll. “It feels like a part of you and it feels like the truth – but is that really the truth, and why do you think so?” Therapy can start to unpick and challenge how we think and talk about ourselves, says Carroll. “You can start to pull it apart and think, God, that’s pretty vicious. Why am I speaking to myself like that? I wouldn’t speak to someone I loved like that, so why am I doing it to myself?”

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Do things differently

Doing things differently is the only thing that is going to bring about change, but first you have to identify what’s not working. “When you put yourself down, what is the result, what happens next – what does it mean for your relationships; does it mean you don’t go for that job promotion; you don’t ask for the raise; does it mean you don’t stand up for yourself?” says Carroll. “When you identify the impact of your low self-worth, then you start to see exactly what you are doing to yourself. This can give you the impetus to do something different,” she says.

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Feel good

Cultivating a more positive sense of self-worth puts you in charge. “If you exist thinking, I only have worth because other people see it in me, that is the most fragile sense of self-worth and it can fall apart as soon as they take it away from you,” says Carroll. Good self-worth means you are not waiting for someone else’s approval. “If I’m not waiting for my boss’s approval to feel good about myself, or my partner’s approval or for someone to tell me I’m good at what I do, it’s like a nervous system regulation. I don’t need acceptance from other people to be okay in my own skin. That’s the ultimate regulation of your nervous system.”