How to... talk about exam results

Don’t make assumptions

For parents of teens, the exam years are tough. Results day feels like a finish line. But if their points are “disappointing”, check in with yourself. “The first thing I would say is not to assume that we know how our child feels about their results, because we don’t,” says Linda Breathnach, member of the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy and founder of therapyandtraining.ie. “That may be just how we feel. They may not feel that way. This might be our disappointment, they might be perfectly fine. They might have expected it and weren’t able to tell us.”

Be the adult

If your student’s results do disappoint you, chat to other people to let your feelings out. Then keep perspective and help and support your child. “It is a challenge for us to be the adult,” says Breathnach. “Sometimes young people feel like a part of us, they feel like a representation of us, but they are not,” says Breathnach. “This is another life stage and they are separating from us and we have to work to separate our stuff from them as well.”

Get perspective

Reflecting on the past two years can help parents prepare themselves and their child for results day. “This year group is the only one that has had the experiences they have had. And obviously every one of them individually has had their own experiences of the pandemic,” says Breathnach. “They can’t be compared to any year before or after them. They are the only ones who have been through it,” she says.

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“Now is a really good opportunity to remind our young people in advance of their results, we are proud of them just for getting through it. We love them unconditionally and we accept them regardless of what their results are. They should be very proud to have come as far as they have.”

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Avoid “I told you so”

If you feel your child didn’t study, recrimination won’t help. “This generation has more of an excuse than any to have got stuck in procrastination,” says Breathnach. “I hate that word ‘lazy’, I think there can be an emotional or psychological block that can stop people,” she says. Students who didn’t study may not be feeling great before their results and need minding. “If they have come through this, they will figure everything else out. Whatever they choose, they can do that once they have their mental health, but they won’t be able to do it if they start withdrawing and isolating and not being able to talk about how they are feeling.”

Show the big picture

Sometimes students won’t get the results they expect or deserve. This can feel to them like a form of loss or grief. “Whatever they are feeling is normal and understandable. Our job is to walk alongside them as they feel it,” says Breathnach. “The key piece is that we believe in them, that we are here with them, and we know this is temporary. We have seen our friends and our peers go through it and how far they have come in their lives, and we know that they will come through it.”

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Walk a tightrope

Parents must walk a tightrope of emotional and practical support. “Allow them to express the emotions they are feeling without judgment,” says Breathnach. When offering practical support to a young adult, remember they are not still in primary school. “Offering support should sound like, ‘Have you considered looking at this?’ ‘Would you like me to do it with you?’ It’s about supporting them to figure out what they are going to do, and not disempowering them further by stepping on their toes.”