How to handle perfectionism: Recognise your need for control, then practise letting go

What is perfectionism?

The grades, the job, the house, the family... The life of the perfectionist can look, well, perfect. Perfectionists often have the things that others envy. But these can come at a cost. “We usually see it in high achievers. It’s connected to anxiety and a need to control. A perfectionist is constantly trying to control their external environment because they are so afraid of both failure and success,” says clinical hypnotherapist Fiona Brennan of @the_positive_habit_.

What drives perfectionism?

A perfectionist’s life isn’t an easy one. “They are someone who consistently throughout their lives, usually from childhood, has measured themselves on their achievements, or they have been measured by their achievements,” says Brennan. Essentially they suffer low self-esteem. “They have such a fear of life not going as they plan, they over-organise everything,” she says. “They can have an unhealthy relationship with time and with their families. They can be at close risk of burnout.”

It sounds productive though…

Perfectionism can sometimes stifle output. “Perfectionists who fear success can procrastinate, putting off doing the thing in case it is successful,” says Brennan. “They are more likely to start things and not finish them. They are so afraid of what is going to happen if they get that PhD or if they have a child, that the fear paralyses them from action.” Perfectionists can spend a lot of time thinking how to do things perfectly. They can get in a rut, spending hours thinking about details and not advancing.

How do I tackle it?

Perfectionists wanting to live differently must first recognise their need for control, and then practise letting go. If you like a perfect kitchen, start by leaving the dishes in the sink overnight. This is all about getting more control of your internal world, not your external world, says Brennan. “The dishes can be in the sink, but you can still feel peace and contentment,” she says. Likewise, if you always organise the friends holiday, challenge yourself to relinquish control. “You will find it really hard. You might be stepping in saying, ‘Where are we going for dinner?’ ‘What are we doing?’ The flights might be delayed, the room may not have the view you wanted, but embrace that,” says Brennan. “It’s the idea of being open to everything and attached to nothing,” she says. “Embrace the challenges that come when things don’t go perfectly, which is pretty much all the time. Use life as your canvas for practising the ability to let go.”

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What are the benefits?

Well, you might just live longer. “You are not going to have so much cortisol and stress going through your body; you are going to feel more calm and more relaxed,” says Brennan. “Your relationships are going to improve because there isn’t that sense of urgency or pressure.”

But I’m afraid…

Perfectionists can fear that if they unclench, things will fall apart. “We can hold on to perfectionism because we are afraid that if we let go, we are not going to be as successful, or maybe we fear success,” says Brennan. The opposite is true in fact. “We perform so much better when we are relaxed. When the sense of being perfect is relinquished, there is this organic flow of relaxed energy, which allows you to be open and creative and to connect with others,” she says. “The truth is, we will actually be able to handle what success comes because we are not attached to it in the same way.”