‘I had no idea how difficult being a Mount Anville mom was going to be’

So – yeah, no – I'm walking down Anglesea Road on the way to watch Leinster against Edinburgh at the old D4tress when my phone all of a sudden beeps?

I whip it out of my pocket and it ends up being a message from Mallorie Kennedy, the mother of Honor's classmate, Courage Kennedy, asking if anyone knows a good – I've never even seen this word before – immunodermatologist?

“Who’s that?” JP goes.

I'm there, "It's actually one of the Mount Anville moms", and JP laughs in a real, I don't know, knowing way.

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I’m like, “Dude, it’s nothing like that”, which it genuinely isn’t for once. Since Sorcha went back to work, I’ve taken over a lot of her old jobs, including the school run and everything that that involves. “I’ve joined this WhatsApp group that some of the moms set up.”

"You did what?" Oisinn goes, instantly worried about me.

I’m there, “It’s just to talk about school stuff mostly. Hockey. The musical society. They’re doing Goys and Dolls this year.”

That’s when my phone beeps again. It’s Rebecca Leahy, Diva Leahy’s old dear. She says no, she doesn’t know a good immunodermatologist.

I'm like, "Why does she have to do that? If she doesn't know a good – whatever that word is – why doesn't she just not answer?"

Oisinn laughs. He goes, “Dude, I know a lot of parents who’ve got suckered into joining those groups and they took over their lives.”

I’m there, “I wouldn’t say it’s taken over my –”

It beeps again. It's Gráinne Power, Conwenna Power's old dear. She says she doesn't know a good immunodermatologist either. And as I'm reading that one, Rachel Lynch, Eponine Lynch's old dear, says she thinks she left her sunnies in the Merrion Tree Bistro when we were having coffee the other day and did any of us notice them?

Into the stadium we go. We find our seats while my phone is still beeping like mad in my hand. Alva Crowe, Ginny Crowe's old dear, says she didn't see Rachel's sunnies. Then Gráinne Lessing, Hester Lessing's old dear, says she didn't see the sunnies either. Then Amanda Mangan, Tess Mangan's old dear, says she knew an amazing immunodermatologist but he retired three years ago and she thinks he might even be dead.

Helen Hall, Thia Hall’s old dear, says she didn’t see the sunnies. Cho Hye-ji, Jang Hye-ji’s old dear, says she didn’t see the sunnies but she really hopes Rachel finds them. Then Orlaith Stapleton, Liesel Stapleton’s old dear, says Liesel forgot to bring her biology book home from school and would someone in the group mind photographing the pages from the chapter on Photosynthesis and Plant Response?

It all goes very quiet then. I stick my phone in my pocket, then I look up and I realise that I've missed the first 10 minutes of the match. I ask the goys what score it is and they say it's still nil-nil and I'm about to ask how Jordan Larmour is playing when it all of a sudden storts again. My phone is hopping around in my pocket like a ferret on E.

Rachel Lynch says her sunnies were Céline Wayfarers. Sally-Ann says, 'OMG! Want!'

I whip it out. Cho Hye-ji has sent the 23 pages from the chapter on Photosynthesis and Plant Response. Alva Crowe has sent the 23 pages from the chapter on Photosynthesis and Plant Response. Helen Hall says she's in a really nice restaurant in Ranelagh that's owned by the sister of a woman she knows who's thinking of setting up a SoulCycle in Blackrock and she'll send the 23 pages from the chapter on Photosynthesis and Plant Response when she gets home tonight.

I hear a humungous roar and I look up. I’ve managed to miss Fergus McFadden’s try. I turn to JP and I’m there, “What was it like?” and he goes, “Incredible. Big Dev did all the work.”

I watch Johnny add the cheese and crackers, then my phone beeps again.

Sally-Ann Markey, Rioghnach Markey’s old dear, wants to know what kind of sunnies they were. Orlaith Stapleton says thank you to Cho Hye-ji for sending the 23 pages from the chapter on Photosynthesis and Plant Response. Rachel Lynch says her sunnies were Céline Wayfarers. Sally-Ann says, “OMG! Want!”

Helen Hall says what’s an immunodermatologist? Vanessa Mitchell, Treasa Mitchell’s old dear, says she didn’t see the sunnies. Mallorie Kennedy says an immunodermatologist is a dermatologist who treats skin disorders caused by defective responses of the body’s immune system. Helen Hall says she doesn’t know an immunodermatologist.

Orlaith Stapleton says thank you to Alva Crowe for sending the 23 pages from the chapter on Photosynthesis and Plant Response. Vanessa Mitchell says she read somewhere that the new head of Céline has decided to drop the accent from the name and now it’s just going to be Celine. Ferne Brannigan, Molly Brannigan’s old dear, says she doesn’t know an immunodermatologist.

Alva Crowe says she’s really sad to hear that about Céline and she hopes that Donnybrook Fair won’t change now that it’s been taken over by Musgraves. Ferne Brannigan, Sally-Ann Markey and Mallorie Kennedy say some things about Cork and its people that would be unpublishable in a newspaper like this and would probably be reported as abuse if they were posted on social media. Vanessa Mitchell says her mother is from Cork. Sally-Ann Markey says she didn’t mean any offence. Mallorie Kennedy says she didn’t mean any offence. Vanessa Mitchell says it’s fine – her mother always kept it quiet anyway.

Orlaith Stapleton says she never saw the sunnies. Ferne Brannigan says she’s delighted to hear that about SoulCycle because it’s the kind of thing that Blackrock is crying out for. Amanda Mangan says Tess left her music book in her locker at school and does anyone have the sheet music for A Bushel and a Peck? Helen Hall sends the sheet music for A Bushel and a Peck. Sally-Ann Markey sends the sheet music from A Bushel and a Peck. Amanda Mangan says sorry, she actually meant to say Take Back Your Mink. Rebecca Leahy sends the sheet music to A Bushel and a Peck. Rachel Lynch says she found her sunnies – they were in her car all the time.

JP nudges me. He goes, “Are you okay?”

I’m like, “I had no idea how difficult being a Mount Anville mom was going to be.”

“Let’s get a pint,” he goes. “It’s half-time.”