How Old Moore got on with his predictions for November

Fishing vessels in the news

Old Moore got this one right in his predictions for November. Anextensive Guardian report published at the start of the month revealed that undocumented migrants were, shamefully, being abused and taken advantage of in Irish fishing vessels.

More sickness for the pope. The next pope will be known as the “Dark Pope.”

An apocalyptic pronouncement from Old Moore. The "more" here is a bit suspect. The pope, despite spurious rumours to the contrary, isn't sick at all, according to the Vatican. And, although I do like the sound of this "Dark Pope" and hope he has an eye patch and devilish goatee, I wonder how he could be any darker than some popes of the past (Stephen VI, for example, who dug up the corpse of his predecessor and put him on trial, Weekend at Bernie's style).

Decline of heterosexual marriage numbers. Homosexual marriage numbers up.

In this country, homosexual marriage numbers were definitely up, given that November was the first month in which equal marriage was a legislative reality. But heterosexual marriage numbers were also back to "boom levels", according to a Central Statistics Office report from last month. All of which shows, I suppose, that allowing people who love each other to get married does not destroy an institution and that we should probably stop distinguishing between gay and straight marriages altogether.

Miley Cyrus enters the world of soft porn

According to a reporter from another paper who seems both outraged and aroused (there must be a portmanteau word for this?), Miley Cyrus began her recent world tour by writhing on a dancer while wearing a skimpy leotard, false breasts and a prosthetic penis. Suggesting this is soft porn, however, is just wishful thinking on Old Moore’s part. Leotard, fake breasts and a prosthetic penis, is, I believe, how Miley dresses when going out to buy fags. The woman is a ledgebag.

A movie for Miley

There's just a first name this time, so theoretically Old Moore may be referring to Miley Byrne from Glenroe, but he's probably referring to Miley Cyrus again. The man is obsessed. There's no sign of a new Hannah Montana movie, however, although Miley does appear in Netflix's star-studded Sophia Coppola-directed Bill Murray vehicle, A Very Murray Christmas. Actually, now that I think of it, the deadpan ex-Ghostbuster may well be the "Dark Pope" of whom Old Moore spoke a few paragraphs back.

Brangelina marriage in jeopardy

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, known by terrified villagers as Brangelina, are a Hollywood power-couple who spend their time making motion pictures and thwarting their arch enemy Jennifer "tragic Jen" Aniston. Sadly Brangelina's damned union doesn't really appear to be in jeopardy (we have them under surveillance). On the other hand, the success of their most recent film, By the Sea, a tedious depiction of a fictional marriage in jeopardy, is in jeopardy. That's two layers of jeopardy – double jeopardy – but it's still not the sort of jeopardy Old Moore was implying. Sorry Tragic Jen, you'll just have to focus on your successful career, millions of dollars and marriage to talented hunk Justin Theroux.

Feminisation of men in the news

We haven't really seen this in the past month, but in the interests of taking the Old Moore School of Gender Studies seriously, let us ask ourselves: what is a masculine man? From analysis of the song So Macho by Sinitta, I've concluded that a macho man is "no seven stone weakling", that he's a "hunk of a guy, an experienced man of the world". He's also got to be "big and strong, enough to turn [Sinitta] on" and must have "big blue eyes" and be "able to satisfy."

Now, Sinitta doesn’t mean “to be personal”, it’s just “a guy like that’s more preferable” and she concedes that this is just her “humble point of view”.

On reflection, I see few men fitting Sinitta's description in the Irish Times features department. Sinitta, however, was singing about this issue back in 1985, so it's not specifically relevant for this month. Sorry Old Moore, you big hunk.

There will be a lot of old people as medicine improves

Why does Old Moore make this situation sound so ominous? Is Old Moore establishing himself as some sort of geriatric Spartacus? Does he fear the ascent of Young Moore? Is he planning a reverse Logan's Run scenario in which the young are hunted for their beautiful hair and knowledge of contemporary pop singer Miley Cyrus? I don't know Old Moore, but having read his work, the answer is Yes.

December predictions: predictable pronouncements

Ireland

• A storm causes the seas to damage property
• A river overflows
• Flooding around Cork
• Regional trains disrupted
• Dog story in the news which gets attention
• Snow in the news
• Skiing in Ireland?

World

• More cars will be computer- driven
• Highways become faster
• We will forget how to drive as our cars will do it for us
• The topic of "space" gets its own section in the newspaper
• There will be a meteor impact in the sea
• There will be more emigration-to-space stories
• Prince Harry's romance of 2015 will be in the newspapers
• Riots in London
• Joan Collins's life hangs in the balance
• Australia will have record heat
• Boots on the ground in Iraq
• Isis will attack the US
• A coalition of western countries will unite to stamp out Isis
• Russia will control Ukraine
• A very popular toy for kids will be a big craze fuelling demand from overexcited parents
• Exciting news from Google maps
• Internet TV gains market share and fast
• India rises . . . its economy become's a powerhouse.