Log on for practical lessons in how to miss a Dublin bus

EMISSIONS:An orderly Dublin Bus website contrasts with the chaos of actually using a bus

Poor Dublin Bus. Everyone hates them at the moment, from the public incensed at plans to axe routes to the unions threatening strikes over job cuts. Even Noel Dempsey recently lambasted them for not “providing a service that people want”. Oh, the irony.

So it was with no small amount of admiration that I discovered that despite all the criticism, Dublin Bus has retained its sense of humour. I speak, of course, of the company’s new website.

How the timetables, with their neat, ordered spacing, made me laugh.

’Tis the work of a genius satirist. (Tellingly, every time I visited the website’s timetable section an icon popped up on my browser informing me there was an “error on page”. You don’t say.) There’s lots of other stuff that’ll raise a giggle, such as the warnings about “inactive” bus stops.

Surely all bus stops are inherently inactive? Or do some run up and down the side of dual carriageways to give passengers a challenge?

While space constraints mean I can’t list all the jollity here, I do, however, feel it would be useful to reproduce a slightly amended version of the “How to Use the Bus” section for your convenience:

Buses collect passengers at bus stops or bus shelters.Or not, depending on whether the driver could be bothered.

While waiting, please queue in order of arrival.Unless you are Irish, in which case simply barge your way to the front, digging people in the ribs with your elbows on the way. Dublin Bus is not responsible for any deaths or serious injuries suffered during the ensuring melee.

Please put your hand out to tell the driver you want him to stop.He may stop. Or he may wave back at you with one or more fingers while sailing past. Who knows?

As the bus arrives and leaves the stop, stand well back to avoid the side mirrors.Not because they may take your head off, which would be a merciful relief, but because you may catch a glimpse of your fraught reflection, the sight of which will require years of intensive therapy to erase from your memory. Dublin Bus is not liable for the cost of this treatment.

As the bus approaches, check if its the right one by reading the destination and route number on the front.If you're lucky, these details may be correct. If not, and you end up in an industrial estate in Mulhuddart, sure haven't you had a bit of an adventure?

When you get on the bus, tell the driver where you want to go.The driver will tell you where to go.

The driver will tell you how much your fare is.You will scrabble vainly through your pockets looking for the correct change. The passengers behind you will moan and whinge and whack you in the ankles with their umbrellas, shopping trolleys and other sharp implements "by accident".

Exasperated, you will eventually pay the 80 cent fare with a €2 coin, receiving in return a voucher for €1.20 that you will promptly lose. Any queries as to what happens to your €1.20 will result in you being keelhauled under the bus.

Do not talk to the driver.He will be too busy reading the Starto respond.

Every accessible bus has one priority space for a wheelchair user, which may also be used for a baby buggy. Only one wheelchair or buggy may occupy this space at any time. Do not stack occupied buggies or wheelchairs on top of each other. While overcrowding means it may not feel like it, this is a bus, not a battery farm.

Coming next week from Dublin City Council: how to tie your shoelaces so you don’t trip and fall on the pavement and sue us for millions.