Hummer vehicles are over-priced and completely impractical. But for the few who can afford them, that's partly the appeal
Someone, somewhere once attempted to insult the Harley Davidson motorcycle by describing it as being "overpriced, overweight and over here". The same level of spite has been hurled at the "high-mobility multi-purpose wheeled vehicle" or Humvee, for its sheer ridiculous size, weight and price.
The Humvee first came to prominence during the first Gulf War when it was seen on CNN hurtling through the Kuwaiti desert, packed to the hilt with US troops and an arsenal of weapons, which would put the fear of God into a small army, or even a quite large one in the case of the Iraqis.
No civilian option was available until the new Californian Governor and military enthusiast Arnold Schwarzenegger decided life wasn't complete without one.
When the US Government gave manufacturers AMG in Indiana the nod to allow Arnie buy one, it began a fashion trend for a vehicle that was never intended to see anything other than military duty.
The first Humvee that Irish enthusiast Kevin McKeever saw was the one that Arnie had bought from AMG and customised.
"I was driving in Los Angeles when I saw this incredible vehicle parked at traffic lights. I followed him all the way to Beverly Hills where I eventually managed to speak to the driver. He was a friend of Arnie's who had fallen in love with Arnie's Humvee and had to have one himself. I know how he felt. When I saw it, I just had to have one."
Luckily for McKeever, who originally comes from Mayo, his pockets were as deep as his aspirations were high. The Humvee ordered was to join a stable of other supercars, including a Ferrari 360, a Mercedes SL55 AMG (unrestricted) among other top of the range Mercs, a Lamborghini Murcielago and a Range Rover. "I have others but I can't remember them all," he says. He also has the new 650bhp Porsche GT2 on order, which should arrive early next year.
The Humvee in its basic spec costs in the region of $100,000, but for that the spec isn't the highest. "After I bought my Humvee, I spent another $125,000 customising it," says McKeever, whose job, as he puts it, "involves dealings with the biggest corporate entities in the world.
"The normal engine is about 200bhp but I put in a Series 3 6.5 litre twin turbo which generates 465bhp.
"Inside it's wall-to-wall black leather with red piping and carbon fibre everywhere. There is a sound system that would blow you through the roof, GPS and every other conceivable extra you could think of. When you open the door steps come down to make it easier to get into. It's also got bullet proof blackened windows and armour plating, and run-flat tyres on 43-inch aluminium wheels. There is a 16,000-pound winch on the back of it and six 30,000 watt lights on the top."
McKeever admits to never having taken this ultimate of all terrain vehicles off-road. Not once in the time he has had it has it left Tarmac, but he's well informed as to what it's capable of. "It can climb a 70-degree incline. The tyres can be inflated or deflated from within to give you better grip, say in sand dunes. It can also run underwater once the air-vent on top is over the water level. It's also quite nice to drive on a motorway."
That could be to do with the Hummer being almost as wide as it is long, giving inherent stability and making it possible to have high-clearance and a relatively low centre of gravity at the same time. The true appeal of this car to McKeever is the reaction it gets everywhere he goes.
"The Ferrari or the Lamborghini look good but they don't command the same respect as the Hummer. Every time you park it somewhere when you come back there is a crowd of people around it. Even the police love it. They will stop me wherever I go, not to give me a ticket but to talk about it. Garda cars have driven past me, turned around and flagged me down just to have a look."
On the subject of fuel consumption he gets a bit vague. "The tank holds 125 gallons so I don't really know, but a friend who has one told me if you cruise at 60mph on the motorway you will get about 15 to the gallon. Take it into really difficult terrain and that will drop to two or three mpg.
"It makes no sense whatsoever, but then again the way I think makes no sense either, so we're perfect for each other!"
And the contrary view...
Ban them, I say. Ban them from public car-parks, shopping centres, airport car-parks and funerals.
A little extreme. Well, all right; but corral them into specially-designated areas where they will annoy no one but others who are vying for members of the "look mine's bigger and longer than yours" brigade and those who actively seek an accolade for the worst parking in the world.
Most of these all-terrain vehicles never have to negotiate anything more challenging than the potholes that herald the sometime arrival of the Luas and the speed bumps in the Brown Thomas car-park. They are better suited to dragging tractors out of ditches when they skid off the road, hauling horse-boxes from point-to-points and allowing small builders, who don't wish to be identified as such, to carry out their duties with no identifying trademarks.
I know it's politically incorrect to stereotype, but this lumbering, sometimes bull-barred means of transportation, which turns every shopping centre into a three-day event without the horse-boxes, is coming between me and my driving pleasure. Trying to get back into my own car I have lost hours of my life in the past three years; that's when the problem seems to have reached epidemic status.
Why, you may ask, am I seeing them through such a red mist?
Because they continually park beside me, cutting off all vision when exiting and blocking access to both sides of my car. Penned in like an errant sheep, I have needed the assistance of the public-address system in my local shopping centre on a number of occasions while the owners were off doing what four-wheel-drive owners do best - shop. One came running back with apologies, while still talking on her mobile phone: "I thought I'd only be minute," she said, clutching nothing other than a lottery ticket and a packet of cigs, and not a bag of oats in sight. She then proceeded to move into a space which had just been vacated in front of her, only she parked straddling the line, taking up two bays.
Another time, after 20 minutes under an umbrella in Stillorgan, a very svelte and obliging security guard came to my aid. He got in the back passenger door of my car and climbed into the front over to the driver's side to reverse the car out for me.
Drivers of these SUVs seem to suffer from delusion when it comes to how much space their vehicles actually need. To be as balanced as possible, I do acknowledge that most car-park spaces are not wide enough for the larger types, but even where they are, the delusion prevails.
Perhaps this is why their drivers always leave lots of space for them to swing the ample doors open, never thinking about the car on the off-side, often below their line of vision.
I would appeal to all planners, car-park owners and managers everywhere to designate special areas for SUVs, with wider allocated car-parking spaces, so that these Socially Unacceptable Vehicles may park with their peers and stop the aggravation of ordinary car owners. If this is not feasible then I'd like to entreat others to do what I did on my last encounter of the SUV kind.
Seeing red yet again when blocked in by one of these,I waited until the driver's return and politely pointed out that my car was imprisoned by his. He replied in fluent sign-language. Refusing to retaliate I stood behind him as he reversed and did a "lock hard" on his exit, gesticulating madly and encouraging his exit with cries of "Come on. You're all clear - just another little bit. Lock hard. STOP!!" His red face did wonders for my bad humour, and my car glowed with pride. On reflection, I'm almost looking forward to my next encounter . . .
Muriel Bolger