Freeflow in operation

Taxi talk: Alrigh' pal? Where to?

- The airport, please. And I'm in a bit of a hurry.

- Is dat righ'? I'll do me best. As long as ye don't go doin a Schumacher on me, we'll be grand.

- Do a what?

- Did ye not hear? Yer man Iron Jaw was in a German taxi a while back, family in de back rushin to de airport. Mick, gettin fed up wit de driver, tole him he couldn't drive his way out of a beerhall and made him hoosht over so he could blem up de road himself at a million miles an hour.

De gallopin gobdaw of a driver was chuffed wid himself, so he was, stickin his schnozz all over de papers tellin' de story of how he and Schu are best mates. And dat he god a hundred squid tip for his trouble.

- I can assure you there's no danger of me doing that. In any case, whatever the morals of tearing through traffic with your kids in the car, what he did to the taxi driver could be construed as hijacking in some countries.

- Too bleedin right. If Schumacher tried dat in dis motor I'd be on de blower to me mate Mr Concrete Shoemaker, de ye get me drift?

- I think I do. This traffic is terrible. Are we going to make it?

- 'Tis brutal alrigh bud. Cud be touch an' go. Dis Operation Go Slow has de whole gaff in chaos, so it has. Yer a smart bloke, by de luke of ye. So tell me dis - whass de poin' of draggin loads of coppers up here for de Christmas to stand aroun' proppin up buildins and textin dere Mammies? Can dey not do dere shoppin on December de ate loike all de udder culchies? An' wha' abou' de crime dey're s'posed to be stoppin at home? Does dat all stop at Chrimbo? Jaysus, de crims must love Freeflow, 'tis like Liverpool playin away all de time.

- That's actually a common misconception. Gardaí haven't been taken off the beat anywhere. The Freeflow crew are trainees on work experience from Templemore.

- Wha'? Ye mean dis lot are nuttin but piglets? Jaysus, no wunder de kip is arra standstill. Some o' dem are as useful as cardboard bleedin cutouts. Standing dere helpless wit' all hell breakin loose round dere ears. Dey haven't a bog what's goin on.

Don't believe me? Sure amn't I only after seein a bangarda in Drumcondra skippin up an down in her yella coat wit' her bleedin earpod or whatever ye call dem tings blarin away. Expected her to start dancin at de aul crossroads any mineh.

And wait till I tell ye about yer wan I saw in Crumlin de udder day. Dis lad was swingin' a ronnie threw de orange in his van. Next ting, dis bangarda comes runnin out of nowhere, roarin and tearin after yer man, who' was up de road be now.

Anyways, she was off fer 10 minutes givin yer man a faceful. Everywan seen dis and was den too scared to move or do de normal stuff ye'd do like skippin de lights or hoppin into de buslanes for fear of yer wan losin de rag at dem next.

Jaysus, even de cyclists was stuck at de lights like a load of greyhounds at de leash. De whole junction snarled up and left us all stuck dere like bleedin wellies in de mud while yer wan was off hasslin de lad. Is it wort reefin one bloke if dat's wha happens?

- Sounds a bit silly indeed. Whatever about enforcing the law, surely keeping traffic moving should be a priority?

- Yer not wrong. Speaking of movin', here we are, pal.

- That was quick.

- Jaysus, 'twas. Fair play to dem Freeflowers. I always said dey were deadly, didn't I? That'll be €38.75. Cheers, bud. Ye call dat a tip? Hope yer poxy plane crashes, ye muppeh. Jaysus, is dat Eddie Irvine? Here, Eddie, bud, hop in pal, I'll let ye drive yerself fer a ton . . .