April Fool's - laughing all the way to the bank

IN THESE parlous times, it’s nice to see manufacturers can still muster a laugh. As ever, they’re pumping out the traditional slew of April Fool’s jokes, with somewhat mixed results.

Peugeot revealed plans to fit smoke alarms and powerful internal sprinkler systems on all cars. This little quip is designed to coincide with the fifth anniversary of the smoking ban. “We feel that, in the future, many of our customers will thank us for this innovative piece of equipment which will encourage many to give up smoking,” the resident wag explains.

The Koreans are not world renowned for raising chuckles, so Kia’s poor effort is no surprise.

Kia claims its Aero-Soul concept car will reduce fuel consumption and emissions by way of a system called the air propulsion and retardation installation line. (See what they did there?)

According to Kia, this consists of “small sensors built into the front and rear bumpers which monitor external wind speed and deploy panels when the wind is sufficient to provide additional directional impetus”. In other words, it’s a car with sails. Ho, ho.

Hyundai fares somewhat better with its puntastic claims to have developed the ideal mode of transport for the environmentally-conscious leader.

Essentially an i10 hatchback with a phonebox bolted to the back, Hyundai say it’s easy to manoeuvre among throngs of adoring subjects and uses a tapestry woven by monks from the Indian city of Utta Bullacs as upholstery. Security is provided by a special armour-protected roof integrated lining, originally developed for use in offshore Swiss powerboat racing.

One has to wonder how the thousands of workers laid off by car companies feel about their bosses blowing cash on getting PR firms to think this guff up.

Anyway, this year’s funniest joke isn’t a joke at all. Despite falling sales, Porsche yesterday announced substantially increased pre-tax profits of over €7 billion for the six months up to January, not from sales but mostly due to canny trading of Volkswagen shares.

Those profits were made by beating traders and hedge fund managers – the very people who own Porsches – at their own game. They must be rolling in the aisles in Stuttgart.