I was in my room the other day, trying to figure out what I am if I’m not my thoughts. A pancreas, curly hair and an eye for a bargain? Cocoa-buttered skin, a favourite song and a heartbeat?
I absolutely could not think my way through to an answer, so I transcended the question and began instead to imagine the ideal best friend.
Put your hands down, stop clamouring for my attention! Have a little dignity. I will consider you all as candidates. Already in my young life (note to casting directors – playing age of 22-25) I have run the gamut of best friends. People eventually figure me out, you see , so I have to keep moving and bewitching new ones.
You’re probably pleased with yourself for having the same best friend since playschool. Well, quit peacocking and get ready to bawl into your Fuzzy Felt, because I’m here to tell you that you’re just a big baby. Switching people up, like I do, shows one’s evolution as a sociopath. Typo! My goodness, I mean, one’s evolution as an adult.
Ask yourself the following questions to ascertain whether someone is a worthy BFF. I’m going to refer to the person as “she” for convenience, but a best friend should not be gender specific. Flitting between both is preferable, so try to find an Orlando where possible.
1. When you lose something, does she physically help you to search for it? Or does she mumble in a non-committal way and surreptitiously turn up the TV?
2. When you’re babysitting , does she get off with your boyfriend at the Prodigy concert in Páirc Uí Chaoimh in 1998?
3. Does she lend you her clip-on earrings, but not her penetrative ones? (Forgive the word, but I find “stick-in” has juvenile connotations).
I have many sisters and we are extremely close. Why, I’m sitting on my big sister’s lap as I write this! She will be angry when she wakes up, but I think it’s cute. My sisters know me better than anyone else. Be that as it may, they still have to love me. They’re stuck with me, see? So I’m not afraid of them.
Friendships are different – it’s healthy to be a little bit scared of your best friend. You’re going for the goldilocks amount of fear – slightly too scared to answer the phone when she calls but not scared enough to hand over your wages when she comes knocking. Stay on your toes, but don’t live on your knees, babe.
My dream best friend is out there, I know it. When I find her, I’ll drop the rest faster than they can say “But . . . what of loyalty? What of the €40 you owe me?”
Her qualities will be those of a wonderful horse – tranquil and steady, with great big yellow teeth and glossy hair. We’ll gallop around together, full of the joys, until we gradually drift apart and one day, pretend not to see each other on the street.