If this column causes any offence, it apologises

What was your favourite apology of the week? There were so many that it's hard to choose only one. Was it John Delaney eventually saying sorry? Maybe it was Gerry Adams sort of not really saying sorry. And there was Wigan football club's owner saying sorry, even though some of his best friends are Chinese and have no problem at all with him calling them Chinks.

Even the New York Times, perhaps the greatest serial clarifier on Earth, had a couple of great ones – including one almost as long as the original recipe it got so horribly wrong, suggesting there must have been ingredient-mix-up deaths to merit such space.

It was another week in which there were so many people apologising, so many things to apologise for and so many types of apology that it was hard to keep up.

But it gave us the latest opportunity to enjoy the many shades of sorry at hand for anyone who finds themselves in a bind. Let’s look at those ably demonstrated by the people who said sorry this week, and by some who just said something to shut everyone up.

The Sorry, Not Sorry

Gerry Adams was heard saying, “The point is to break these bastards. And what’s going to break them is equality. That’s what’s going to break them: equality.” He later tweeted that he “shudn’t call bigots, racists or homophobes bastards. Mea culpa . . .” and later added that he stood by the point, if not the language.

Mea culpa is the weakest of apologies, a half-raised hand. It is like dunking a tea bag into lukewarm water and still calling it a cuppa.

The Wingman Adams’s apology was backed up by Martin McGuinness, who pointed out that “he did apologise, and I think that is in strong contrast to others who have made much more offensive remarks who have not apologised.”

When you have other people not really apologising on your behalf, then you can be sure the apology is being used as a continuation of the row, not a full stop. Which brings us to . . .

The Apologif

John Delaney took an increasingly popular route to atonement after being caught singing

Joe McDonnell

in a bar, then denying it was him who needed to be caught in the first place.

“Unfortunately, on occasions people use camera phones in a sly way when they are not in your company, and then they try to make something bigger out of it,” he said, deflecting the blame early. “If the song offends anyone, of course I’m sorry. It’s not in my nature to want to offend people.”

“If” the song offended anyone. You hear that a lot in apologies. “If I’ve caused offence . . .”

Usually, if you’re apologising several days after an event because people have said they’re offended, it means you can leave the “if” behind. But if you do insist on qualifying the apology, it suggests you’re not entirely convinced you need to apologise for anything anyway.

Delaney’s wingmen in this case were the FAI board, who backed him by doubling up on the “if” and mentioning cyberbullying first, so deflecting the blame even earlier.

The Human Shield

Wigan Athletic’s owner, Dave Whelan, had to apologise after somewhat “old-fashioned” comments and language about Jews and Chinese. He employed the Apologif (“If anybody takes offence at anything I have said, please accept my sincere apology”) and explained that maybe he didn’t say it or, at best, had talked so much that day that his mind had reverted to its 1970s state. (“It is either a misquote or, on that day, I must have done 50 interviews.”)

But Whelan also said, “I have got hundreds and hundreds of Jewish friends. I would never, ever upset any Jewish person, because I hold them in the highest regard.” Collectors of apologies nodded at that while muttering “classic”.

The Pre-Empt

Both

Morning Ireland

and Newstalk this week had to follow serious allegations by guests with clarifications that the individuals were speaking in a personal capacity and that their views are in no way endorsed by the broadcaster, and you can’t sue now because we’ve said this, and we can back that up with pictures of the producer making panicked slashing-throat movements during the last seconds of the interview.

There were more apologies that there's no space to get to: the band at the English soccer match apologising for playing along to anti-IRA chants; a British Labour shadow minister apologising for "snobbery" and getting sacked anyway; the BBC's now weekly apologies. So many sorries. So little time.

I am genuinely sorry if I have overlooked any other apologies from the week.

And I am sincerely regretful for ending the column in that lazy and obvious way.

@shanehegarty shegarty@irishtimes.com