What's so hard about discussing a will?
Death and money are taboo topics in many cultures. With fewer than three in 10 Irish people having a will, we baulk at it too. Surprise tax bills, unintended beneficiaries and family disputes are all too common after a death, but if you want to talk to a parent about their plans, tread carefully.
Can I ask what I can expect to inherit?
Just no. "I always point out to parents and children that you have no automatic entitlement to a share in your parents' estate. You just don't," says solicitor Bernadette Parte. Parents' money or assets are theirs alone. If they want to leave the whole kit and caboodle to a goat sanctuary, that's their right.
So I can't talk to them about it at all?
Before you open your mouth, check your motivation. If you're being nosy or trying to sway things, stop right there. If your intention is to support your parents in their wishes, then the right conversation can flow. "This is parents' private business. The conversation should be about ensuring matters important to them are addressed when they are gone," says Parte. The invitation to talk should come from a position of respect and sensitivity. "You are raising issues very directly about a person's mortality. Parents can worry too that maybe they haven't as much at the end of their life to pass on as they would like. It has to be done sensitively."
This sounds hard. Should I just stay schtum?
It's good to talk, and discussing their wishes can avoid unintended consequences. If there is no will, the deceased's spouse gets two-thirds, with any children sharing the remaining third. If both parents are deceased, everything is split evenly between the children. This may trigger the sale of the family home or business, however. For estranged parents not legally separated, the ex gets two-thirds regardless of a parent's wishes. For those remarried without a will, the new spouse gets it all. If a child has special needs or is an addict, creating a discretionary trust will be better than a lump sum. Talking can ensure a legacy brings the maximum benefit to loved ones, avoids tax traps and minimises dispute.
So what's my opening gambit?
You could kick off with, "We want to be clear about your wishes. We want to understand what's important to you and what we can do to support you." If you have siblings, include them too.
“It’s a good idea for everybody to be involved to avoid undue influence and just keep everyone informed,” says Parte. “The whole purpose should be family harmony.”
Avoid an ambush. “You don’t have the conversation in one big chunk typically,” says Parte. “It’s something you dip in and out of over time. There should be no feeling of time pressure or pressure of any description on a parent to have the conversation at all.”
Listen, affirm what your parent says and reassure them you are not asking so as to get involved, but to be clear about their wishes. Accept that the conversation may be partial, says Parte. “The parent may say, I want to be buried rather than cremated, but I don’t really want to go into the rest of the terms of my will. Respect that.”
But what if they are leaving everything to the donkey sanctuary?
Accept it and move on. And avoid asking questions beginning with "why" – they can put someone in a defensive position and cause argument. Should a parent share his or her will with children?
“I told a client recently, well, you can, so long as you won’t feel under any pressure to change it,” says Parte. “She said ‘Well, that answers my question’. She was concerned her decisions would be challenged. She was leaving most of it to her kids anyway, but she just didn’t want to have to justify some specific things she was leaving to others.”
