I'd love a new kitchen extension but my partner won't budge, how can I persuade them?
The presumption here is that you are right, they are wrong and you just have to convince them – that's the wrong place to start, says Brian Colbert, master trainer of neuro-linguistic programming at the Irish Institute of NLP. If you are thinking, how do I persuade this person, then you are thinking about yourself. "The first thing to do is to find out how they are right, because they are right, according to themselves."
Hear them out
They've arrived at their position through their logic. If you defy that, you are saying, they are wrong and more than that, they are stupid. That's how it will be interpreted, he says. Hear them out.
“You could say, ‘I’ve been thinking about the kitchen thing, I know it doesn’t seem logical to you’, or ‘I’m trying to understand where your thinking is,’” says Colbert.
Go high
Next, take the conversation to a higher plane. "You could say, 'When it comes to living together, we want the same things really, we want to be with one another and to be in each other's company. I think we will benefit from this." By doing this, it becomes about a higher purpose, not just the walls. "Then do the complete honesty thing and say, 'I know I definitely would benefit,'" says Colbert. List the benefits to you – having more room to cook, or not tripping over the bins.
Come dine with me
Paint a picture of the future, says Colbert. "If a person is stuck in their position, they have never visualised the alternative. They have only visualised the negatives." Help them to find what's of value for them. Create a scene that includes that person in a genuine way. Images of dust and expense be gone. In a bigger kitchen, Sean and Mary could come over for fondue. "You're 'future-pacing' and now the solution includes a benefit to them," says Colbert.
A person is often objecting to what’s in the foreground, says Colbert. The brain is designed to look for problems before it looks for solutions. Use phrases like: ‘the way I visualise it in my own mind’, or ‘what I see if we do this…’” he says. “You might do an apologetic gesture like raising your hands and say, ‘If we were to go ahead with this…’ The more distant your language, the more acceptable it will be, because you are not pushing it.”
If your partner always sees a problem first, they are probably introverted, they may feel you are trying to catch them out, it’s a survival mechanism, says Colbert. You need to address those problems, by providing quotes from builders for example.
Good intentions
Ultimately, you want them to say the plan makes sense to them. "Once they do, you've arrived into their world and met their logic," says Colbert. You could round things off with, "I'm just putting it on the table, maybe you might have a think about it and let me know' – you are giving them a way in and a way out," says Colbert.
Whatever you do, make sure your intention is good. Tell them what you are looking for but find out what’s of value to them, he says. “Give people what they want and then they will give you everything that you want.”
