I think my partner is bad with money
Money can't buy happiness, and you can bet your bottom dollar relationship rows about it are a dime a dozen. (Sorry.)
So how do I address the money talk?
Start by describing your own feelings, says Mary Johnston, a specialist in counselling with Accord. "Come from how you are feeling, your worries. When you come from that place, it makes it a little bit easier for the other party to listen. You could say, 'I am worried, I am concerned, I couldn't get any money out at the ATM,' or 'I notice our direct debit hasn't gone through.' Stick to the facts and the feelings. And you have to persevere with that."
Can I say what I'm observing?
Yes you can, just don't get personal. "It's okay to say, 'I'm worried when I see all those packages coming from Amazon because it's all coming out of our account,'" says Johnston. "But don't say, 'You're nothing but a bloody waster when it comes to money. And your whole family were. And sure your father...' Keep personal criticism out of it. Stick to your concerns, your feelings and your observations."
But his family are hopeless with money
That may be the case, but park the judgment. "If I don't feel personally criticised, I will have a greater ability to listen and to hear that the other person is worried about the bills," says Johnston. "Give a wide berth with the personal insults. You are going nowhere with that." And leave the ancestors out of it.
What if they really fly off the handle?
That can indicate a more complex issue, like gambling or other addictions. "If somebody has a problem behaviour, they will raise a row in heaven to get out of there and not continue the conversation," says Johnston. "That can be an indicator that there is something problematic.
“If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong about money and where it goes, raise it. Say, ‘I’m concerned, I’m worried and I notice...’ Explore your gut feeling because there is likely to be something there.”
Be ready to listen too
Partners come from different families with different values around money. "Respect each other's values, but you are a new family now and must negotiate your own values," says Johnston. "Some people get in a flap – should we have one account, or should we have two accounts, should we have three. Do whatever suits yourselves. Just be fair, honest and transparent with each other."
Problematic behaviour aside, try to appreciate the value of the other person’s approach to money.
“About 69 per cent of couples’ dilemmas are not necessarily solved, they are negotiated. We compromise,” says Johnston. It’s not about being dead right or dead wrong.
Look at your spending together
Look at a few months of bills to really understand things, says Johnston. "'Why are we spending so much on biscuits, where are all the biscuits going?' 'Well, they don't float out of the press themselves...' It's no harm to sit down from time to time and look at things. Always be open to listening and to understanding the other person."
