House Rules: Don’t try this at home

Remember those TV programmes where people did weird and wonderful things, including plate spinning, making human pyramids and experimenting with fire; and everything happened to the restraining refrain “don’t try this at home”? Maybe they still have them. It’s possible that buried on some satellite channel, you can still find inspiration for causing domestic trouble.

Nevertheless, as a recent set of adventures has demonstrated, it’s easier than you might think to find yourself suddenly going spectacularly wrong. So, in the spirit of helpfulness, here is the House Rules guide to the top five things never to attempt, even in the presence of experts.

1. Don’t substitute washing-up liquid for dishwasher tablets. The same goes for your washing machine, you’ll be scooping out an avalanche of bubbles and after the initial excitement over what you have caused in the kitchen wears off, it gets pretty annoying. Similarly if you’re lucky enough to have a jacuzzi, or find yourself in one of those hotels – never be tempted to add a dash of bubble bath.

2. Some things just shouldn’t go down the sink. These include tea leaves, cooking oil and paint. The advice also extends to feathers – just in case you ever end up trying to disappear a duvet, or find yourself plucking fowl.

3. Never stand on the arm of a rocking chair while trying to put a heavy book back up on the top shelf. Yes, I know, who on earth would be crazy enough to do that?

4. Don’t hoover up the ash around the fire. Well, not unless you’re prepared to wait for a couple of days before you do it. Succumb to an urge to get everything cleaned up immediately and you too could find yourself wondering: what is that strange burning smell? The same goes for putting hot ash into your bin.

5. And finally, there are still nuggets that bear repeating, generation to generation, including: look at labels – if it says “highly inflammable” it probably is; don’t mix different cleaning liquids in the hopes of greater potency – unless you want toxic fumes and possibly explosive results; and never, ever balance electrical items on the edge of the bath!