Toxic teen relationships: ‘It’s considered normal. That’s the massive issue’

“I told u to block him!” “u can’t wear tht!” “Why didn’t you text me back?” “You can’t wear that with other lads around wtf” “if you wear that to town we’re finished”

Social media messages among teenagers can reflect toxic relationships. A group of socially conscious Mercy Secondary School transition year (TY) students in Mounthawk, Tralee, Co Kerry, calling themselves Red Flags, set out to #BreaktheSilence around toxic relationships, under the slogan "Detect to Protect". They won the top prize this month in Young Social Innovators of the Year awards, which celebrate young people, and their educators, who contribute to their communities creatively.

Break the Silence set out to tackle toxicity and encourage young people to openly discuss relationships in a safe environment. “Many teenagers feel they’re being pressurised, manipulated and disrespected by those close to them,” says student Gráinne Leahy on their campaign video. “On social media teenagers are being controlled by their peers, being told what to wear, who to block and who not to spend time with. This is not normal behaviour.”

Last September a class of 24 transition year students and their teacher and Young Social Innovators (YSI) guide Karen O’Carroll brainstormed a number of issues affecting Irish young people.

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“From sharing our own experiences online with our teacher, we began to realise that too many of us have experienced controlling and manipulative behaviour online from friends, boyfriends and girlfriends,” the students explain. It was backed up by a survey they conducted last October of more than 200 peers across all year groups in the large mixed school. Overwhelming numbers of students reported being “told what to do, who to talk to, who to spend time with and what to wear”; in other words, controlling and manipulative behaviour.

Some 66 per cent of students have felt controlled, manipulated and pressurised on social media by boyfriends/girlfriends and friends; 70 per cent were told by a boyfriend/girlfriend to block someone on social media; 45 per cent were told by a boyfriend/girlfriend what not to wear; and 72 per cent were told who they shouldn’t hang out with in public.

Prevention ethos

Picking up on wider research showing a 25 per cent increase in domestic abuse calls since the pandemic, where one in seven women have experienced abuse, and one in five aged 18-25 reported being in toxic relationships, the Red Flags wanted to prevent toxic behaviour developing into future abuse.

The campaign says “students haven’t been educated enough about how to identify signs of an unhealthy relationship, both in romantic relationships and friendships”. As they don’t know what an unhealthy relationship looks like, many young people feel trapped.

The Red Flags campaign led to the introduction of a mural in the senior locker corridor, a fundraiser for Adapt women's refuge in Tralee, a #Bake2Donate fundraiser for Women's Aid, and a SPHE (Social Personal and Health Education) lesson pack on Break the Silence for all year groups in the school. Their social media campaign on Instagram, @redflags_ysi2020, was "the lifeblood of our project", to promote the message locally and nationally , as lockdown bit and schools closed. (#BreaktheSilence also won YSI's Digital Innovators Award, for addressing online safety and wellbeing among young people).

The Detect to Protect slogan of acronyms – Detect (Dishonesty, Envy, Tension, Exclusion, Control and feeling Trapped) helps students identify toxic traits and characteristics in unhealthy relationships; and Protect (Privacy, Respect, Openness, Time, Encouragement, Communication and Trust) – aims to help educate peers on nurturing healthy friendships and romantic relationships.

Teacher Karen O’Carroll, one of the transition year core team, says she was extremely surprised when students disclosed to her the levels of control and toxicity that seem to characterise their relationships. “On Snapchat, the way they treat each other – I was so, so shocked.”

Control and jealousy are prevalent, with girlfriends and boyfriends “telling each other who they can and cannot talk to, or to block people. These are 15- and 16-year-olds, telling each other what they can wear, that if he’s going to be there, you can’t go. I don’t want you talking to other boys.” This goes both ways, she says. Among friend groups, exclusion is a big factor, with pictures posted of friends out together, leaving others out .

“I was absolutely shocked by the survey, with the same behaviour coming up. The students couldn’t believe I didn’t realise that’s the way they talk to each other. It’s considered normal. That’s the massive issue. Being told what to wear, who to hang out with, who to talk to.” The students said the behaviour upset them, but “they said everybody does it. They thought that is the way relationships go. They accepted it as what happens.”

Smartphone bullying

O’Carroll adds: “They live so much of their lives on phones, and bullying on mobiles is at a level I’ve never seen before. Behind the screen people think they can say what they want.” The YSI course was great for bringing these issues to the fore.

The project aimed to raise awareness among teenagers that such toxicity isn’t acceptable. Students can assess “if the unhappy negative moments in this relationship are outweighing the positive,” says O’Carroll. “If they are constantly unhappy and drained and feel like they are not being supported and that their self-esteem is being impacted as a result, this is not a healthy relationship. Feelings of depression, anxiety, nervousness and discomfort around this person are also a sign that the relationship is having a negative impact on your wellbeing.”

Toxicity may have been exacerbated by pandemic circumstances. Over lockdowns, along with increased stress on relationships and families, social media has been key for communication. “Social media is already a very prominent part of our lives, but since lockdown we rely even more heavily on it to keep in contact.”

Student Róise O’Donnell says: “Everyone will experience an unhealthy relationship or friendship at some stage in their lives. Through education we can be equipped with the tools, enabling us to be resilient, and learn to never accept treatment that is less than we deserve. Help us to break the silence,” she says, and urges people to “detect the red flags in order to protect yourself”.

youngsocialinnovators.ie
Instagram @redflags_ysi2020