‘Should I call Tusla about our new neighbour? She seems to be verbally abusing her son’

Question: I live in a nice, quiet neighbourhood with lovely, helpful, friendly neighbours. Recently, a new family moved into a house nearby and they appear to have no regard for anyone around them. Music is played at loud volume – I can hear it even with all my windows closed and I live four houses away.

The mother in the house shouts all day long out the back garden and appears to be verbally abusing a boy of 10 or 11 years old. She shouts so loud that I can hear the interaction word for word and it is definitely not how you should speak to a young person. I feel so sorry for the child and have considered reporting to Tusla. I have thought of trying to talk to them but am fearful of the reaction.

Have you any advice please.

Answer: This is a question of ethical or civic duty versus being a busybody and getting embroiled in a neighbourhood dispute. It is only in relatively recent times that we might feel obligated to intervene in a family situation and of course the question arises of if, when and how we should carry out this intervention. The motivation to report to Tusla (the Child and Family Agency) is where concern for the safety and wellbeing of children outweigh any fears you might have in approaching the family, but shouting does not necessarily indicate abuse (some families shout as a matter of course) so perhaps some further investigation is needed before proceeding.

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It might be worth checking with other neighbours if they have spoken to or wish to speak to the family about the noise level

The first issue you raise is that this new family have little regard for the neighbours. You say they play music very loudly and that this indicates very different social expectations to that of the current neighbours. This issue presents an opportunity to engage with and get to know these new people. They may not know how loud others find their sound levels and it would seem fair to start with a friendly conversation. You are fearful of the reaction you may get, perhaps being shouted at, but as a first step to intervention, it is fair that they are spoken to before things are taken any further so that they have a chance to adjust their behaviour. It might be worth checking with other neighbours if they have spoken to or wish to speak to the family about the noise level.

The bigger issue is the welfare of the child and your question of how to approach this.

What you would hope for in any intervention is that people feel supported to make whatever changes are necessary but as a stranger to them it is unlikely you will have much influence other than to alert them to the fact that they are being monitored in some way. The biggest question is what does the child need in this situation? Can you observe if the child is doing normal things: going to school, has a reasonable weight, goes to the local shop, etc?

If you continue to be worried following your initial contact with the family (perhaps welcoming them to the area and enquiring if they have any questions about the neighbourhood and speaking about how the neighbourhood works in terms of noise) then further action needs to be taken. You can ring the duty social worker in Tusla and ask for advice on how to approach the evolving situation and they will note your concerns and if appropriate, follow up with an investigation.

We develop patterns of avoidance or distraction that allows us to keep our distance until we believe ourselves that no action is needed

You can also ring Crimestoppers on 1800 25 00 25, or the Garda confidential line on 1800 666 1111, where you can outline all your concerns without any fear of revealing your identity and get advice on what to do next. No child should be left alone in a situation that exposes them to harm and Tusla and the gardaí work together in urgent situations.

What is stopping you is fear and of course this is a natural mechanism to alert us about potential harm, but this fear is growing with inaction and in imagining what you think the response will be to you speaking to the neighbour. We know that fear restricts our capacity for intelligence and problem solving so this needs some work from you now. If you have a fear of conflict (as most of us do), we develop patterns of avoidance or distraction that allows us to keep our distance until we believe ourselves that no action is needed. For example, we tell ourselves that: “someone else will surely make the call or intervention”, “they would be far better placed than me to do this” or “it is someone else’s job to tackle this”.

However, if something comes to our attention, we, as responsible adults and citizens, need to take whatever action is needed and accept whatever consequences may follow.

Face your fear, take that first step of stopping on the street to say hello and connect, and if no change happens, then call the relevant services and follow their advice. If it turns out that your fears are without foundation, accept this and support the family to fully integrate into your community.

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