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Question: My daughter is 17 and in her Leaving Cert year. Even pre-Covid, I often worried that she was not being invited out as much as other girls her age and she was spending too much time on her phone in her room.
Of course, the Covid lockdowns made all this worse. Then out of the blue last November came a boy! She apparently "met him" online through a friend she knew from a class. Since then, she has become obsessed with him. He lives a good bit away so she has only met him in person once. This happened over Christmas when restrictions lifted once we okayed it with his mum. Since then her attachment to him has got out of control. And it still is.
She has him on her phone 24/ 7. Even sleeping with him on call beside her. She has lost all focus on outside life and more alarmingly her family and herself. Nothing matters to her only to meet up again with him. She jumps as soon as he calls her like a panic more than a excitement.
Prior to meeting him, she was conscientious and wanted so much out of life but I now feel she would bypass all that for him. I worry about his influence on her and all he seems to want to do is play on his Xbox. He does not seem to have any ambitions about work (he is 18, she is just 17).
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I just want her to see there is life outside this relationship. I know Covid has affected her, as it has most teenagers, but I find it so hard to think she has been led down a path because she is lonely and feels she will be alone again if she doesn’t respond to him quickly.
I’m careful not to say anything negative about him to her as I don’t want to push her towards him. What can I do?
Answer: New relationships and first loves in the teenage years are often intense affairs, marked by obsession and heartbreak. First relationships in the time of Covid-19 are perhaps even more intense. Teenagers are socially isolated, out of school and cut off from normal activities, making a new relationship a bigger deal and the main focus in a young person's life. In the isolation of lockdown, obsession can easily grow especially when they do not meet face to face and their only contact is online and on the phone.
Many parents reading your question will identify with your concerns about your daughter’s new relationship. You are not the first parent to disapprove of their teenager’s new boyfriend and to worry how it is distracting their daughter from schoolwork or being involved in the family. However, you are also right to be careful about how you express your disapproval. It is normal for teenagers to “rebel” against their parents’ rules and restriction, meaning that lots of teen relationships (even bad ones) flourish under parent opposition. A better approach is to be more supportive and understanding, which will make it more likely that she will open up and talk to you about her relationship and allow you to be a positive influence in her life.
Be understanding and empathic
Take time to understand things from your daughter’s perspective. Try to understand what the relationship means to her and what she is getting from it. Take time also to reflect honestly also about your own judgment and opposition. Is it really justified? Are you being harsh in your appraisal of her boyfriend? Is your judgment more about your worry about losing your daughter as she grows up? Are there some parts of the relationship that are good for your daughter?
Be careful how you express your opinions
If you have genuine concerns, try to focus on these specifically rather than judging the relationship in its entirety. For example, when you talk to your daughter you might say, “I’m glad that you have a boyfriend who is there for you during lockdown, but I’m worried how being on late calls is affecting your sleep. Can we agree to end these at 11?”
Rather than opposing the relationship, focus on encouraging your daughter to stay involved in other things you think are important such as her staying in contact with other friends, keeping up with studies, continuing to do family events together in the home etc. You can of course express an opinion about the relationship: “I’d prefer you waited until after the Leaving Cert before you had a serious relationship.” But remember at 17 she is at the age where she has to make her own mind up about these life decisions.
Let the relationship take its own course
The best advice might be to make sure you are there to support your daughter but to ultimately let the relationship take its own course. While normal life might be frozen during the pandemic, generally teenage lives move quickly and new life events and milestones bring change. Most teen obsessions dilute over time as they grow up, complete exams, go on holidays, start new activities and mix in new social circles.
You can be there to support her through this journey so she can make the best decision about her relationships.
– John Sharry is founder of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is author of several parenting books including Positive Parenting and Parenting Teenagers. See solutiontalk.ie for details of online courses.