‘My 15-year-old daughter’s depressed friend is leaning on her emotionally’

Question: My 15-year-old daughter has been having trouble with one of her friends. The other girl seems to have quite serious mental health problems (she talks of feeling depressed and sometimes is suicidal) and was leaning quite heavily on my daughter emotionally.

I only found out six weeks ago and it seems it has been going on since the summer. My daughter confided in me that she was stressed about it and told me she often has to ‘talk her friend down’ and out of her moods. I think it is way too much for her to deal with and I told her we had to tell the friend’s mother and the school. My daughter went ballistic and said she would be betraying her friend.

Now I am not sure what to do. I am worried about the other girl and also my daughter who might be in out of her depth. The other girl is quite isolated in the class (which is part of the problem) and is not a close friend to my daughter. My daughter included her because of her kind-hearted nature.

I don’t want to go against her and contact the other girl’s mother because I want my daughter to feel she can tell me things like this again.

‘I’m a man in my 30s and I lack any strong, platonic friendships’

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Lockdown was hard, but it kept us closer to each other than we’ve ever been

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Face masks don’t impede exercise ... except for one type

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‘I’m fed up of being body-shamed by my wife’

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What should I do?

Answer: This is a delicate situation that does need careful handling. It is good that your daughter has confided in you about the stress she is under and the dilemma she has with her friend. It is important you keep that channel of communication open between you so you can continue to support her. I do think that the school and/or the parents of the other girl need to be informed about her mental health problems but this ideally should be done in a way that keeps your daughter on board.

Listen carefully to your daughter's feelings and her point of view and explore options that she might be happy with

Most young people who keep secrets like this from their parents do so because they fear that their parents will over react and get involved in unhelpful ways. The key is to take time to discuss the issues through with your daughter and to try to agree a plan that she is happy with.

Raising the issue with your daughter

Pick a good time to reopen the conversation and raise the issue directly with your daughter. For example you might say, “Since you told me, I have been quite worried about your friend and I think we need to do more to help her – what do you think?”

Express your concerns in terms of your care for your daughter and the other girl: “I appreciate that you are trying to help her and you are being a good friend, I just think she might need more support from her parents and it is too much for you to be managing this alone”. Listen carefully to your daughter’s feelings and her point of view and explore options that she might be happy with.

For example, if you did ring the other girl’s parents, you could explain how your daughter was worried about the betrayal of confidence and they may opt not to tell their own daughter the source of the information. In addition, you could explore with your daughter how she could encourage the other girl to get support and tell her parents.

Contacting the school

Alternatively, you may choose not to contact the other girl’s parents (as this is a very tricky conversation to get right especially if you do not know them well) and instead decide to contact the school. The school are best placed to deal with concerns like this and they could contact the parents of the other girl without necessarily betraying your daughter’s confidence if that is important.

Praise her for her kindness in reaching out to support the other girl but also encourage her to look after herself and her own needs

Explore with your daughter what is the best way to approach the school counsellor or year head with the concerns. For example, she may prefer you to make the contact or she might be mature and able enough to make the contact herself, or she might prefer to do both (you might make an initial call and then your daughter would meet them). The school should have procedures to handle the concerns sensitively and discretely in the best interest of everyone.

Supporting your daughter

Continue to support your daughter and encourage her to let you know what is going on and how the other girl is doing. Praise her for her kindness in reaching out to support the other girl but also encourage her to look after herself and her own needs. Be careful about telling her what to do or ‘over-advising’ her. Given she is 15 years old, you want to be more of a ‘listening ear’ or a ‘coach’ for her as she works through this challenging friendship dilemma. She may decide to ‘move on’ from the friendship or maintain a safer distance or she may be able to continue to be friends as the other girl gets the support she needs. You can help work all this out and allow it become a valuable life lesson for her.

– Dr John Sharry is a social worker, psychotherapist and co-developer of the Parents Plus programmes. See solutiontalk.ie