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Question: I have just discovered my 10-year-old was watching porn on a tablet. I was quite shocked. He was using the family tablet to watch YouTube videos, and then searched for sex and followed the different links that came up and ended up on porn sites.
According to the internet history, he did this a few times over a few days before I noticed. I’m annoyed that I didn’t put blocking software on the tablet (I have done now) and that I did not notice earlier. When I confronted him about it, he initially denied it and then became upset and started crying. I tried to tell him that he was too young to be watching this, but I don’t know if I gave him the right message.
I am still a bit shocked that he was actively looking for porn at such a young age.
Answer: With the widespread access to smartphones, tablets and the internet, children are coming across pornography and other unsuitable material at younger ages (either accidentally or when they search for it). In a recent British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) survey, 51 per cent of adolescents aged 11-13 reported having viewed pornography, with some saying their first viewing starting as young as seven or eight. In the same survey the parents were largely unaware of their children's online habits and very few of the children reported discussing pornography with them.
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This is despite the fact that the early viewing of pornography is harmful to adolescents especially those under 13, who do not have the maturity to understand it in context. In the BBFC survey, many of the adolescents reported the negative impacts of viewing porn, especially those who viewed it at young ages.
Responding as parents
As parents it is important to be proactive and to protect children from coming across porn when they are younger and to equip them with the skills to deal with it themselves when they are older. When you give your child unsupervised access to the internet, you are giving them unsupervised access to porn and other unsuitable material. This means it is important to strictly monitor children’s internet use when they are younger (via parental software and checking usage etc) and to talk through the issues as they get older. Before you give your children unsupervised access to the internet, you need to have the difficult conversations about sex and porn as well as safety and respect.
Be careful about shaming your son
It is normal for children to be curious about sex and to be drawn to look at sexual images. When you talk to your son, it is very important to get the tone right and to not shame him for his natural sexual curiosity. This will just make him feel worse, not him help deal with sexual feelings and make it likely he will close down and not communicate. There is no need to “confront him” but simply to talk to him about what he saw. The fact that he cried means that he is probably traumatised by the images, as well as being drawn to watch them. Be understanding and reassuring as you explain that he should not be viewing these images at a young age. Remind him that you will be monitoring his usage to help him going forward.
Talking about sex, relationships and pornography
Use this experience as an opportunity to talk about sex and relationships with your son. If you have not done so, talk to him about the facts of life to him and explain in a matter-of-fact way about sexual attraction and sexuality. As well as giving the facts, talk about values and the importance of care and respect, in loving relationships. This allows you to explain how porn differs from loving real relationships. There are some good resources and books online that can help you with these conversations, and I list some below.
In particular there is a good book for parents to read with children aged eight to12 called Good Pictures, Bad Pictures by Kristen Jenson, which explains the problems with pornography using child-centred language. The book explains how porn does not represent loving relationships and instead actually shows people being mean and treated badly. The book also explains how porn can “hook you in” and be addictive in ways that children might understand: how when you see a picture, your brain can be tricked into wanting to see more; how pornography can be like a “giant magnet” pulling you back, and so on.
Such explanations might help a child who has searched for sexual images not to feel ashamed and instead understand their feelings in a compassionate way. The book also helps parents and children talk through the issues together and to come up with a positive plan for avoiding pornography and staying safe online.
Resources
sexualwellbeing.ie/for-parents – comprehensive resources for parents about communicating with children about sex and relationships.
webwise.ie – tips and guidance for parents dealing with the challenge of internet safety
bbfc.co.uk – British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) research into impact of pornography on children and teenagers.
John Sharry is founder of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD school of psychology. He is author of several parenting and mental health books. See solutiontalk.ie for details