Is my shouting making my son’s rough behaviour worse?

Question: I am lost for ideas on how to stop my three-year-old son's very rough behaviour. He has gone so far as kicking the childminder in the face causing a nose bleed, which obviously has caused a lot of tears for all.

He is a very energetic lively funny boy, but just gets very hyper and spontaneously does very mean things like hit his baby sister or push her to the ground. He gets rough with me – trying to bite, push or pinch me. I also notice if he gets shy he starts slapping my legs as he hides his face. All this behaviour really started to show when I had my daughter, but the kick in the face has really turned a corner.

He sometimes sleeps through the night but more often he can wake several times and comes into us waking us up too. He is wide awake at 6am every day. I also was a bad sleeper from a small baby to now.

I blame myself for his behaviour and also find myself not enjoying him anymore. I fear I am a bad mother. I did suffer from post-natal depression after I had him and I had suffered from it along with anxiety before his arrival on and off from a teenager, even being hospitalised for four months. It is my fear that my constant giving out might cause further issues for the poor little man.

Please give me some light on how I can help him and us have a happier life together. He is such a funny little fellow with a really happy lively spirit that I don't want to destroy.

Advice:

Even in the best of times, parenting two small children can be stressful and exhausting. But when you are dealing with extra challenges such as poor sleep routines, post-natal depression and boisterous physical behaviour it can become overwhelming.

Reading through your question, my main sense is to urge you to reach out and get support. Perhaps you could contact your public health nurse, GP or local childcare committee and enquire about services in your area such as parenting courses, parent counselling or mother and toddler groups.

In particular, I would recommend attending an evidence-based parenting course which would allow you to get support over several weeks in order to assist you putting together routines and plans for managing your son’s behaviour. In addition, I wonder if you could get more support from your family. Could your son’s dad get more involved and help out more so you can share all the challenges together? Are there other friends and family members who can provide support?

Dealing with post-natal depression

Depression can make parenting all the more difficult. When you are depressed, you have less energy to deal with problems and you are more likely to be irritable and to have a short fuse. Also, depression usually makes you see problems as worse than they are and comes with excessive guilt where you “beat yourself up” for what you have done wrong.

All of this, of course, makes the problems much worse. The key to overcoming depression is to try to be more self-compassionate and to concentrate your efforts on self-care (rather on just parenting).

Each day, try to identify a few little things that you could enjoy which you could focus on. For example, this might include going for a walk each day; making sure to eat one good meal; talking to a good friend on the phone; setting aside 10 minutes of play when you can enjoy your son; or practicing a gratitude meditation at the end of the day. Identify what has helped you cope in the past and seek out this support again.

Dealing with your son’s behaviour

Many three-year-olds display boisterous physical behaviour that occasionally goes over the line. While of course you have come up a systematic plan as to how to deal with it, the important thing is not to become over alarmed or overly negative which can make things worse.

Instead it is important to take a step back and calmly analyse (with your childminder) the pattern of your son's behaviour. When does he get physical? Are there triggers that can be avoided? What diverts him or helps him calm down when he gets agitated? I will send you out a copy of Positive Parenting which describes a range of positive strategies you can use when dealing with challenging behaviour.

Understanding his relationship with his sister

One very understandable context to your son’s behaviour is his relationship with his sister. Many children find it hard to cope with the arrival of a new sibling with whom they have to share their parents. This jealousy can express itself in misbehaviour and even attempts to hurt the new baby. If the parents react angrily this further increases the child’s resentment and belief that his parents love the baby more.

As a strategy it is better to positively encourage and guide him how to get on with this sister. For example, you might involve him in helping with his sister and praise him for this, eg, “you are such a helpful big brother”. Or you might show him how to play with his sister, “you gave your sister a turn, that was very kind”.

If you notice him getting agitated with his sister, try to get in early and divert him – “you come over here for a minute and we will play with your sister later”. In addition, make sure to ring-fence a special one-to-one playtime when you give him really good attention and enjoy him, this will be great for both of you.

Dr John Sharry is a social worker and psychotherapist and co-developer of the Parents Plus Programmes. He will be delivering a series of talks and courses on parenting children and teenagers in different locations starting on October 3rd. See solutiontalk.ie for details