There is a lot of professional help out there for parents but sometimes you just need peers to tell you not what you should be doing but how it actually is.
That's what motivated Louise Renwick to set up Blessington Mums, a support group based in the west Wicklow town that organises activities such as monthly "Whine and Wine" nights.
“From my own experience, I needed to know I was sane in feeling insane at times with my children, and wanted to be able to vent guilt-free and judgment-free with other mums,” she explains. “I also really wanted to start the sense of openness about not loving being a mother all of the time and that no one needs to pretend to be super mum because she doesn’t exist!”
Renwick, the mother of Shay (three) and Bobby (10 months) and who works outside the home, wanted to do something with other women in her community. As a non-breastfeeding mother – "it didn't work out for me" – she reckoned she would feel a bit strange at a local La Leche League meet-up with a bottle in her hand, or even attending the parent-to-parent support group Cuidiú, which stresses it is there for all parents, no matter how they choose to feed their infants,
Back in May, she hired a room in a community centre for one evening, issued an invitation through the local newsletter and online parenting forums and waited to see what would happen. About 15 women turned up and all had something to say after Renwick gave a short talk on the realities of being a mother for her.
“We wanted to set the tone in the beginning that this is somewhere you don’t have to start every sentence with, ‘I love my children so much but . . .’ That’s a given, everybody does, but it’s okay to say they were driving you mad today – that’s real life, that’s reality.”
The consensus at the meeting was that there were enough things to do with children and what women really need is time away from being a mother and to connect with each other as individuals.
“The moment you’re handed your baby the word ‘guilty’ comes into your psyche and anything that you do that doesn’t put your children or your family first makes you feel very, very selfish,” she says. “It’s about finding time to do things for yourself as an individual. I find I’m a better mother when I have time to connect with whom I am.”
From that first night, the group has ballooned to 150 members who keep in touch through a private Facebook page. They have just set up a committee of seven to plan future activities – "things that don't revolve around the pub would be good too", quips Renwick, who wants to keep sessions informal and all about peer-to-peer support.
“When you invite a professional speaker in, there is that fear that they are going to tell you that what you’re doing is wrong and that’s what we are trying to move away from. There isn’t a ‘wrong’ way, there’s just your own way.”
She believes it is important to find a balance between taking all the professional advice on board and allowing yourself to make mistakes, as you would in any other job or avenue of your life. A little more female solidarity would help too.
“Women never tell each other they’re great mothers but all a man has to do is to be present and they say ‘he’s a great father’, a ‘great husband’. We are our own worst enemy.”
For the time being, at least, at the Blessington Mums meet-ups, men don’t get a look in – they’re at home minding the children . . .
For more information, email blessingtonmums@gmail.com
