ASK THE EXPERT: Q I have a girl aged three years and nine months who I need help with. She is constantly whingeing. I’m trying to figure out if she is unhappy, insecure or just pushing me as far as I can go. She’s been going to the same creche since she was a year old. Every morning she’s crying and whingeing that she doesn’t want to go. She gets wound up and almost panics.
The first thing she asks me when she wakes in the morning is: “Where are we going today, Mama?” I try to respond differently every day and no sooner have I finished trying to explain but she’s crying and whingeing that she doesn’t want to go to the creche. The creche assures me she’s happy when she’s there, that she’s not bored and that she has friends, so I can’t understand why she doesn’t want to go.
My husband has a 14-year-old daughter from his first marriage who comes to stay with us every Saturday and Sunday. The two girls get on amazingly well together, and her older sister is so patient and such a lovely girl. Maybe my little girl is suffering from separation anxiety? Maybe she hates saying goodbye to her sister every Sunday till the next week, or maybe she just doesn’t want to be separated from me. I have to admit, we are very close. How do I work around this? I’m getting to the point where I’m nearly afraid to wake her in the morning because I know the whingeing will start as soon as her eyes open.
A
It does sound like separation anxiety. I would guess that if her main anxiety was about separating from her sister, then things would ease up towards the middle of the week as she settles back into the weekday routine. Since that doesn’t happen, it is more likely that her core anxiety is about leaving you.
I wonder if the variety of responses you give her about where she is headed for the day might make things more difficult for her. In theory, disguising the plan for the day might allow her not to dwell on going to the creche, but in reality it may just confuse her and leave her ultimately disappointed that she does end up in the creche each day.
What will help to reduce any anxiety is regularity and consistency. You could draw up a weekly planner on an A4 page with pictures for her of what happens each day. It will help her to predict what is coming. Predictability greatly reduces anxiety.
Then I would encourage you to be direct and simple with her each morning that “Today is a creche day!” and keep further discussion to a minimum. This reduces any ambiguity or confusion and allows her time to get appropriately upset if she worries about missing you.
Try to think of her crying, not as whingeing, as her way of telling you that you are really important and that she likes to be with you. Then you may feel able to respond to her worries with more patience and more empathy.
So if you do feel the need to talk more to her in the morning, keep the focus on trying to acknowledge to her that it is hard to be apart but that you know she will be fine, she will cope and she will enjoy her day in the creche and you will see her, like you do, every evening.
Q
I’m really worried about my son’s eating habits – or lack of. He is the youngest of three boys. The other two are eight and six and both have a fairly good diet, but for the past two years he has eaten only the following: waffles, fish fingers, chips, nuggets, breakfast cereal, yoghurt, banana, bread, raisins, some sweets and chocolate. He did have a good diet but when he started feeding himself he got picky and reduced himself to the above. I know it’s my fault and I shouldn’t have given him the junk food in the first place.
In the past few months, we have stopped cooking him separate dinners and set a place for him at the table. We insist he sits at the table until everyone has finished and then he can leave. We don’t let him eat ice cream or biscuits if he hasn’t tried to eat something. He did eat a teaspoon of potatoes, but it was a big deal for him. He then tried a spoon of soup but retched afterwards. What do you think? He’s in good health, has good energy but is pale.
A
It sounds to me like you are doing a good enough job to create healthy mealtime habits. Having the regular routine of sitting at the table and waiting through a meal (even if he doesn’t eat) is a helpful routine.
The key to any healthy eating is to achieve balance – balance in terms of volume of food and variety of food. Although it sounds great in principle, it can be hard to achieve in practice. The best way to think about your child’s food balance is to first consider your own.
How wide a variety of foods do you eat and for how long have you eaten such a variety? What food choices do you make if given multiple options (like at a buffet meal)? How much do you eat at different sittings and how much do you consume through snacking? Children are not that different in as much as they can be picky, restrictive or indulgent at different times in their life and development. What is very different for children is that they are rarely given the freedom of choice that adults have.
If given a free choice many children will find a natural balance. The mealtime structure, while great socially, doesn’t always suit the hunger or energy levels of children. Many children prefer to eat little and often.
This means that you need to ensure that any snacking options that are available for your son are of healthy foods that you want to encourage him to eat. During dinner, include very small portions of the food that is on everyone else’s plate for him, too. If the food is there he might be tempted to try it, and small portions are less daunting for the unadventurous.
The first trial of a new food can often be rejected, so new foods with their different tastes and textures need to be repeatedly offered over a period of time to allow children to keep having a go.
If his energy levels and health remain good, you must be doing well enough. The less of an issue you make about his food and eating habits, the easier it will be for him to be adventurous. So try to stay calm, avoid cajoling, pleading or persuading him to eat and see if he will continue to find his own balance.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster. Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets that he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com