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Question: I am a single mum of a 14-year-old son. Over the past year my son has been attending a psychiatrist and he has been diagnosed with ADHD. To be honest, I am glad that he has received this diagnosis, as it answers a lot of questions about the way he has behaved since he was a small child.
The medication he receives is making some difference and his concentration has improved. As he has entered puberty and started to physically grow into a man, he has become more boisterous and difficult to manage. The clinic he attends has limited resources and he has been offered six sessions of behavioural therapy. This has made very little difference to the way he acts.
I have been offered a parents’ group, but I feel that this means that I am being blamed for his aggressive outbursts. I run my own small business which takes a lot more of a time and emotional commitment than a 40-hour per week job. In the past I have depended on my siblings and friends to provide extra support, which I have always appreciated. But I am finding now that he is growing up and becoming more confrontational the invitations are becoming less frequent.
He has also started to bunk off school. While this happens infrequently it does mean that I have to leave work to return home and I know that I have missed out on a few contracts and while the financial loss was relatively small, it was important in the scheme of things.
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His dad is a lot younger than me, and now has a new family. When our son was very young he was involved, but over the course of time he became more distant. In fact, over the last eight years our son has only seen his dad about four times. And, and over the last two years, he has stopped receiving birthday and Christmas cards and presents from him.
I have consistently tried hard to maintain contact with his dad. He does know that our son has psychiatric issues as he signed the consent to assessment and treatment forms but never attended any of the appointments.
My friends think I should reach out to him for practical supports. I am fairly certain that he will have little interest and, even if he does, I am worried that he would eventually let our boy down. Due to my work we are currently financially secure, but I now think that my son needs more parental attention and I feel the only way to do this, is to either reduce my workload or take on a business partner. To do either would threaten the viability of my company and impact on my income and ability to provide well for both of us. His father was never forthcoming financially and I think that any efforts to formally pursue such supports at this point would be fruitless.
I am unsure how to proceed with supporting this wonderful but troubled young man.
Answer: At 14, your son needs to be included in any plans or changes in his (and your) life so it would be a good idea to share your concerns and possible solutions with him. While he does have ADHD, he also has gradually lost a father over the last few years and he might be struggling to assimilate his feelings about this.
You could speak to your son about your wish to spend more time with him and also of your concerns about the effect on your business and ask for his idea on how you might both work around this. He is in the middle of adolescence so is likely to have completely rational and empathetic responses some of the time while sounding completely incoherent and irresponsible at other peak points.
This is adolescence rather than ADHD but there is no doubt that his diagnosis also presents him with particular behavioural and disciplinary problems that mean he is more burdened than other young people his age.
Parental blaming
Your idea of going to a parental support group is one to give serious consideration to as you might find that other parents have come up with creative solutions, so you do not have to invent everything from scratch. I understand that you feel that there may be some parental blaming in such a group but in fact most parents have a fear of being the cause of their children’s issues and the main way of debunking this is to participate in a group and hear the truth of what other people are saying.
That you love your son is not in question, but you are struggling as a lone parent and this takes its emotional toll as you inevitably have to carry all the responsibility and worries about his life and future. His father is the obvious person to ask to discuss your son’s needs but you have to judge if this is worth perusing as the risk is further abandonment for you both and yet it is in your mind so maybe it is worth a shot. You could ask the school or teacher to invite him to a meeting with you and perhaps the formality of this might help convey the importance of supports for your son needs right now. Your use of supports in terms of getting a diagnosis and medication has worked well for you so far.
Stretch yourself further by making contact with the parental group, connecting with your son’s father and involving your son in decision-making and you might find that you are less alone than you had thought and your options regarding your career and life might open up rather than shrink at this time.