A DAD'S LIFE:Bullying is a huge issue and we need to remain vigilant, writes ADAM BROPHY
PHOEBE PRINCE, an Irish schoolgirl whose family emigrated to the US late last year, killed herself on January 14th. Last week, nine teenagers, seven of them girls and three of them juveniles, were charged in connection with Phoebe’s death following a 10-week criminal investigation. The charges include statutory rape, violation of civil rights, criminal harassment, disturbing a school assembly, stalking as a youthful offender and assault with a dangerous weapon, believed to be either a bottle or a can.
Phoebe, originally from Fanore in west Clare, started at South Hadley High in Massachusetts last year. Apparently, her crime was to date a popular student from a more senior class to the disgust of a number of older girls. Phoebe was a freshman, only 15 years old.
For months she was subjected to the traditional forms of bullying, including physical and verbal abuse. This was compounded with a further barrage by text and online. She hanged herself in a wardrobe in the family home. Her younger sister found her.
Bullying is a huge fear for every parent. At some point your kid’s going to come home and tell you he or she is being picked on. Or another parent will land at your door to say that their dearly beloved is at home, quaking at the thought of facing your sainted offspring the following morning. Neither is a nice position to be in, but my sympathy lies here with the put-upon rather than the putter-on.
I picked the elder up from Easter Camp today at the local pool. It was her first day and she had known no one when she turned up that morning. I asked had she made new friends and she held up three fingers. I congratulated her and inquired as to her friend-making technique.
Her answer was ridiculously straightforward: “Well, when we started we were all sitting down and I looked around and I thought, mmm, she looks nice. So I asked her did she want to play and we did. Later, I asked if she wanted to be friends for the whole camp and she said yes. But then she had to go so I asked another girl if she wanted to be friends and she said yes. But her parents picked her up early and after that another girl asked me if I wanted to play because she saw I was by myself.”
It’s that easy when you’re eight. In the space of a day you can initiate a relationship, take it to another level, have it interrupted and then continue on to two more. Potential new friends are eyeballed, approached and propositioned. Sometimes these fledgling relationships work out, sometimes they don’t.
On occasion, a child will be isolated and victimised. This is unfortunate but inevitable and rarely does bullying, in whatever form it takes, cause extreme distress at this age. It is not pleasant for the victim, it is hurtful and can damage confidence, but the pain can be overcome if the issue is addressed and a competent teacher and principal are also brought into the frame. Possibly most worrying is that at this age the power of the group mind against the vulnerable individual can be learned.
Over the years the strength of that group mind grows, while at the same time the vulnerability of the weak becomes more apparent. The small, the fat, the glass-wearers, the dopes, the brains, anyone different can be singled out and have the focus of disgust turned on them by the brash, buoyant and loud. At eight, that hurts. At 15, it is the most painful thing imaginable.
Looking at the list of charges against Phoebe’s alleged tormentors, it appears her life was made miserable. We cannot tell for sure why she was singled out. Maybe it was, as suggested, for dating beyond her station, or maybe it was because her accent differed. Or maybe one of the stronger kids took a dislike to a shirt Phoebe wore on a particular day and decided she was worth ridiculing.
All we can be sure of is her intense pain, that she felt she had no hope, that nobody could help her.
Phoebe’s bullies had to learn to behave in this way, in school and at home. Little more than children themselves, their parents have to examine their roles in imparting values that make such behaviour seem okay. That a child can move from ‘will you be my friend?’ to taking his or her own life through fear of their peers in a few short years is a fact that all parents need to pay close attention to.