Dear Roe,
I’m in love with a girl in work and want to tell her. However, she has a boyfriend and they are living together. We get on very well, chat all the time, though she has never done anything to indicate she feels the same way. But I know this is not a passing infatuation for me. I have gone as far as accepting a new position in work that will take me out of the office so I don’t have to see her daily, as it is quite tough. I am in two minds about saying something. I want to tell her so she knows how I feel. I know this could result in her not speaking to me or not being as close friends anymore which would be devastating, but it would help me move on also. On the other hand, it could be unfair to say something as she is with her boyfriend and I would not like to be seen to be trying to cause problems. I wonder if I should wait and if she becomes single in the future, say something then?
I don’t think you should say anything to her. I also know that if you want to, there is little a I can say to stop you, particularly when you already know all the reasons why you shouldn’t: She has never expressed any interest in you, she has a boyfriend, and you’ll probably destroy your friendship.
So instead of trying to convince you not to make a declaration of love to this woman, let’s explore why you want to, and how you got here.
I don’t really believe in unrequited romantic love. I believe you can be in a loving relationship and one person can fall out of love. I believe you can be in an extremely intimate relationship with someone who cares about you deeply, but doesn’t love you. But I believe romantic love cannot exist – even one-sidedly - when one party has never had any interest in the other. Because romantic love has to include an openness to loving and being loved; it has to be an invitation and an answer, a shared feeling and experience that is built between people.
So what you feel right now? That is not love. That is want and infatuation and obsession, and it’s not based in reality; it’s based in fantasy.
The fantasy that when you finally do get together, it’ll be perfect. The fantasy that having a laugh with her at work is indicative of what it’s like to love and be loved by her. The fantasy that even though she has never expressed any interest in you, she would drop her serious, live-in boyfriend for you if only she knew your feelings. The fantasy that even though you’ve never come close to navigating the necessary conversations and work around each other’s modes of communication or conflict styles or insecurities or future goals or sexual compatibility or spending habits or standards of cleanliness or emotional baggage or division of domestic labour – you know, all the important and occasionally boring and unapologetically real stuff that comes up in a serious relationship? – even though you’ve never tackled any of that, you still know she’s The One.
It sounds ridiculous when put like that, doesn’t it? Of course it does. It also sounds like I myself would never indulge in such an illogical fantasy myself and believe that it was love, doesn’t it? But I have.
And because I have, let me tell you what I learned.
One: Fantasising and obsessing are choices we make. We choose where to focus our romantic attention, to indulge fantasies of romance, to not refocus that energy elsewhere. Leaving your office will help, but only if you change your mindset, too. You can choose to distract yourself from thinking about her, you can tell yourself ‘She is not interested in me’, you can recalibrate and start looking for other interesting people, people who are real options for you.
Two: Sometimes we latch on to people who aren’t available because deep-down we know they will never love us, because deeper-down we don’t think we deserve to be loved. Because latching on to an unattainable fantasy gives us an excuse not to try to love and be loved by someone else. Someone who is free to love us. Someone who we would have to extend an invitation to, someone who could extend one back. Because then we would have to grapple with the real work of loving and being loved. And that’s scary and vulnerable and means that we would really be seen by another person, not just in our jokey workplace persona, but our raw flaws-and-all self, and then we would have to ask them if they could still love us. They might say no. They might say yes. Both prospects are terrifying. Both prospects are better and braver than continuing to hide in this fantasy. You will learn more – about relationships, about love, about yourself.
Three: There is no ‘The One.’ Because there are no perfect people, and no-one who is instantly perfect for you. There are lots of great people, and then there are the people we round up to being The One by investing in them and doing the work with them – and even then, sometimes it doesn’t work out. But it always starts with flawed people choosing each other and both deciding to round each other up. She hasn’t chosen you. And in pretending she’s The One, in waiting until she’s single so she can realise you’re The One, you’re ignoring all The Other Potential Ones Who Actually Might Choose You.
Don’t wait. Choose to refocus. Choose to work on your self-worth. Choose reality. You might be pleasantly surprised.
- Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford
- If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe
