ASK THE EXPERT:Your parenting questions answered
Our first baby is now a 13-month-old little girl. I am finding this phase much harder as the parent. I am not sure should I start disciplining now Ÿ do I just go with flow, what should I be doing with her, is she okay playing by herself with toys?
How does having a few different childminding arrangements affect her (she is with a childminder for one day and in a creche for another)?
Added to this she now has totally changed her eating habits - just last week she wouldn't eat her dinner. Before this she was like clockwork - she would eat potatoes, chicken vegetables and then an egg or fish or cheese in the evening. Now all she will have really is bread, ricecakes, rusks and fruit (pears, apples, bananas, raisins), and yoghurt.
She looks for this food and totally rejects any other - we have tried everything. I am now not sure what to even offer her anymore...or whether to offer finger food only or a mix of a bowl and spoon and finger food. Should I not give too much bread and ricecakes?
She got sick twice last week and even still makes vomiting motions with some foods. I feel like I am in a total ûI just canüt do thisú phase with her - which is a very new feeling for me. I have so many questions about my one-year-old.
Parenting is a continuous process of learning. We are constantly faced with new challenges, new behaviours and new attitudes in our children, and so we must adapt and change how we respond accordingly.
In this regard, I would imagine that your experience rings bells for many other parents, both first-timers and old hands.
I want to devote most of my response to the more general issue of parenting wobblers and toddlers but, let me address your food concerns first.
At about one year of age many babies reduce their food intake. This occurs because their rate of physical growth and development slows down and they intuitively know that they need fewer calories. So, don't panic that your daughter appears to be suddenly fussy. Try to stay relaxed about her eating and continue to offer her variety.
Similarly, give her a choice of foods at different times, some that need utensils and some that can be eaten with fingers. Do offer to feed her still, but don't get frustrated if she insists on only eating what she can get into her own mouth.
As long as you make sure that she gets offered enough healthy food she will probably eat enough of a range of foods to meet her needs. You will probably then discover that her eating habits will continue to change and develop over the months and years ahead.
With regard to the more general queries about parenting a one-year-old, I would encourage you to relax about how you approach things. All we are ever trying to do is to be "good-enough" parents. There is no such thing as perfection in parenting. This means you just need to do what seems best or most right to you.
Yes, certainly, your daughter is all right to play by herself with some toys for periods of time. It will also be nice for her have some company, both from you and from other one-year-olds. Do bear in mind, however, that one-year-olds don't yet know how to share and so tend to play with peers in a parallel fashion. That is to say they more often play alongside, than with, their peers.
There is no need to discipline one-year-olds in the sense of punishing them. The Supernanny "time-out" approach, for example, is not helpful for this age group (indeed in my Parenting Pluscolumn this week I have argued that this kind of time-out is not helpful for any child).
One-year-olds need lots of guidance and physical direction. For example, if you want your daughter to learn not to touch hot things, not to bite, not to pinch, not to hit, and so on, then you simply remove her from the person/ thing and say very clearly and firmly, "no hitting/biting/touching", as appropriate.
Your actions, in stopping certain behaviours, or encouraging others will be far more powerful than your words alone, so try to avoid simply saying "no" and hoping that she will stop.
The key to your daughter's security in terms of her attachment is her relationship with you, her parent(s). As long as you are reliable, trustworthy, fair and clear she will most likely develop a secure attachment.
In that case she should easily be able to cope with a number of different childminding rrangements. However, she will probably find it easier if the childminding plans are very regular and routined such that she can learn to anticipate where and with whom she will be minded each day. This will help her to feel less anxious and may reduce things like separation anxiety.
So while her new behaviours may be a bit more of a challenge for you to adjust to I have no doubt that, just like the rest of us, you can and will adapt to meet your daughter's needs. Even the fact that you reached out for advice suggests that you have your daughter's best interests at heart and that is a good enough starting place.
Don't forget, too, that friends and family may all have been through similar issues with their own children. Even if they have no helpful advice they are likely to be a comforting shoulder to cry to on if you feel particularly burdened, or indeed lost, at any stage.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster. Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets that he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com