Ask the Expert: My son seems to dread going back to school

Q My nine-year-old son had a relatively unhappy year in school last year. He is a sensitive boy and did not seem to get on with his teacher, who was quite strict. It got to the point near the end of term that he was reluctant to go each morning and he was very stressed by it all. We were glad to get to the end of term and have the summer. He has had a good summer and done lots of camps and we had a lovely holiday but I am now getting nervous as the date to return to school gets closer. He will have a new teacher who I hope will suit him better, but I am aware that there will be more pressure now that he is going into 4th class. I think he is nervous about school as any time the subject comes up, his mood changes and he switches off. What can I do to make sure he has a good start and we don't have a repeat of last year?

A In helping your son prepare for the return to school, it is important to be mindful of the issues that caused problems for him at the end of last term, but it is also important to approach the new school year positively – you don’t want to pre-empt him feeling anxious about starting back. As a good parent, you want to be sensitive to the fact that starting back could be a challenge while being careful not to burden him with your own fears – this is a delicate balance to get right as a parent.

Take time to think through the issues yourself

Without directly raising your worries with your son, it can be useful to take time to reflect about what is going on by yourself. Maybe set some time to chat through the issues with your son’s other parent and/or another family member. Take time to reflect on what was going on for him to cause his anxiety last term as this will give you ideas on what support he might need.

Was he struggling with the pressure of work or academic content? Or was it due to his teacher being strict last year and his/ her approach when working with him? In my experience, many sensitive children can become stressed by a "strict" teacher. They often perceive the teacher's rules are directed at them and take on board criticism personally when it is directed at the whole class. These children need a lot of encouragement and reassurance about their good behaviour.

Check in gently with your son about school

Pick a good time to check in with your son about how he feels about starting back to school. The key is not to make a big deal of this and to follow his lead as to how much he wants to talk about it. Perhaps you might raise the discussion as you go through some practical preparations. For example, you might say, “I just want to talk to you about getting your school bag ready for school . . . by the way how are you feeling about starting back?” Be prepared to probe a little bit without putting him under pressure, for example, “I know you had a difficult last term . . . but now you have a new teacher . . .”

Listen carefully and help him problem-solve

If he does share any information about school, it is important to listen carefully and to encourage him to talk more. Acknowledge how he feels and ask gentle questions to help him express himself, such as “I understand you feel a bit nervous about going back . . . what in particular do you worry might happen?”

As he is nine years old, it is important not to rush to offer him solutions to whatever issues he might raise but instead to encourage him to think through the issues and problem-solve for himself – “What can you do to prevent that happening?” or “How can we prepare to help things go well when you start back?” It is also helpful that you express positive belief about things going well – “You have a new teacher this year, so that is a fresh start . . . and I will be here to support you.”

Make a plan with him

It is useful to make a positive plan about going back to school. You can make sure to get back into a good routine before school starts and arrange to be around a bit more when school starts (perhaps at drop-off and pick-up when he might share with you how things are going). Focus on good things that he can look forward to in the new term (such as meeting friends or any extra curricular activities he likes, and so on). Make a plan in your mind to check in with the teacher early on if any issues emerge and to work constructively with the school to help your son in any way that is needed.

Enjoy the final weeks of the school holidays

For many older children the prospect of going back to school does not immediately fill them with joy and they show a degree of stress or depression at the prospect (even if they are doing well and enjoying school). In these situations it is important not to become too much of a kill-joy and raise school all the time. Instead, have a couple of chats about preparation and then make a plan with him about enjoying the last couple of weeks before getting back into the school routine.

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