Ask the Expert: My son lacks confidence in the playground

Q We have a lovely, sensitive six-year-old boy who is having trouble managing playground scuffles, and is quite anxious and upset as a result.

He has come home again very upset today because another kid was pushing and shoving him around; it often happens even with kids who are strangers to him. He feels very helpless in the situation.

He has one friend in school with whom it has been a big problem and they invariably end up fighting. As a result, his mum and I have been trying to set very strict boundaries for how they play.

I feel his anxiety levels are quite high and he now expects this will happen everywhere and thinks there's something wrong with him.

We have tried a number of things to help but I feel we are as confused as he is, and we lack consistency. We tried the "confident" pose to shrug off teasing. This works the first time, but he's only six and kids are persistent.

He starts to scream and roar and can get physical, particularly if the other kids have been physical first. I am constantly trying to intervene before we get to that point but I also feel for him: he seems to be the only kid constantly reprimanded or taken out of the playground and it re-enforces the point that he's "wrong".

I try to give him some space to learn how to stand on his own two feet and balancing between the two seems to be a big problem. Sometimes it works: last week in the park he did exactly that; stayed calm and sat with me for a few minutes until the other kids came looking for him to play again.

Most other times he rockets from feeling upset at something someone says to becoming extremely distressed and losing his temper.

When that happens I find it very hard to calm him down. He can turn on me and himself, hitting himself in the head, or lashing out at me and calling me names.

When he's happy he is an exceptionally social kid who gets on really well with others, and his teachers often say he is a great team player and leader.

I want to find a way to help him navigate this as I feel it is clouding his perception of himself and is really affecting his confidence.

A Getting on with other children and managing conflicts without getting overly upset or aggressive is the hardest set of social skills that young children have to learn. Trying to learn these skills in the unsupervised playground, with unknown children, is a particular challenge. Unfortunately, it has all got off to a bad start for your son and now his confidence is badly dented, so he will need some thoughtful and patient support to help him get back on track.

Build on success and praise him

As you rightly understand, a central issue for your son is that he now believes himself to be at fault all the time, which can be a big block to progress. It is very important to break this perception and to show him that he can be successful.

The key to doing this is to focus mainly on the times he does manage to get on with other children, such as the time you describe where he sat and waited in the playground with you or when he is successful at school.

Go over these times in minute detail with him – How did he get on with the kids then? What did he do that worked? What was it like when this happened? – and give him lots of praise.

In addition, try to normalise when he has a bad experience and not to single him out for blame, and instead hold both children responsible: “You and N seem to have got into a row; let’s try to sort this out.”

Challenge his negative perception, and always express a belief that he can sort things out: “There is nothing wrong with you, it is just hard sometimes to remain calm. You can learn to do it; remember that time before where you did.”

Set him up for success and start gradually

Given the challenges in the playground, I would suggest avoiding or reducing these unsupervised social situations for the moment. Instead, expose him to social situations where it is easier to learn how to manage conflict. For example, could you invite his schoolfriend over for a play date where you can closely observe the two of them getting on and provide support as needed?

The key is to set him up for success by planning in advance how he might play and getting in early if things are looking tricky so you can guide them to a good solution: “Let’s take turns now”; “Why don’t we take a break for a minute?” and so on. Once things are going well in this more protected space, you can expand out and meet different children one to one and then meet them in the playground or in a more challenging environment.

There are also some great children’s books about managing social situations or dealing with conflict that you could read with your son; this is a great way to teach social skills in a relaxed way.

Use some discipline as needed

As well as being supportive it is also important to hold your son to account for his behaviour. It is not okay for him to hit out when he is upset and you need to point this out to him: “I know you are upset, but you can’t hit Dad”; “No hitting now, please use your words to say how you are feeling”; “You will have to take a time out until you are calmer and then we can talk.”

Dr John Sharry is a child and adolescent psychotherapist and co-developer of the Parents Plus programmes. He will be delivering a seminar about promoting self-esteem in Cork on Friday, October 2nd, and a course in positive parenting will start in Dublin on Thursday, October 8th. See solutiontalk.ie For more Ask the Expert columns, see irishtimes.com