Ask the Expert: I worry that my little boy will hate school

Q My son is starting school this autumn and I'm a little worried about how he will cope. His older sister started last year and was fine but she seemed much more prepared than him. He is quite immature, a bit of a homebird and doesn't take to change much. He went to Montessori preschool last year but it took him a while to settle in and make friends and it was a small group: in junior infants, he will be in a much bigger class. Unfortunately, all the children in his Montessori have gone to different classes and he will not know anyone, so this will make it harder for him. While I do know a few of the parents whose children will be in his class, he does not know the boys.

How should I prepare him? When I talk about school coming up, he doesn't say much whereas, last year, his sister was all excited and took great pleasure in getting the uniform and buying a new schoolbag, and so on. What should I do? Should I do more to prepare him or just see what happens when it starts? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

A Starting school for the first time is an important milestone in the life of a child and it is important to take time to plan it well and to consider what support your child might need to make this transition go smoothly. I don’t think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Indeed, it is a sign of good parenting when you are tuned into your child, and trying to anticipate issues and concerns before they happen.

Good parents take time to consider the individual needs of their child: your son has a different personality than your daughter and, of course, may need a different approach, so it is great that you are taking time to think about this. Here are some ideas to help prepare him.

Go through the same preparation steps

Although he may not be too interested, involve him in preparations as you did with your daughter, such as going on a special trip to buy his lunch box and schoolbag, trying on his school uniform, walking past the school, and so on. All this allows for opening up conversation about school and helping him prepare.

There are also some good children’s books about starting school that you might want to leave out for him to choose for bedtime reading with you.

Make contact with other parents

You say your concern is that he will know no one in his new class and this might be an issue for him. If possible, you may have time to make contact with other parents of children who are starting in the same class and organise a play date. For example, you could contact the parents you know and organise an informal meeting for the boys at a local playground.

If he is nervous about meeting new people, this might make things easier on the first day. It also allows you to reference the boys when you talk about him starting school: “When you go in, John and Patrick will be there, and maybe you can sit beside them,” and so on.

Try to establish a routine similar to school

Over the summer, most families get into a holiday routine, which might be very different from the early mornings of a school routine. If possible, it is a good idea to get your son – and the whole family – into a routine that will closely resemble the school routine in the week before school actually starts. That way, your son will be more relaxed and less tired when the big day comes.

Be very prepared yourself

On the first day, and for the first week, be very prepared yourself. The longer in advance you can have all the practicalities done, the more time you can have on the first days to be there to support your son. The less stress you feel, the smoother things will go.

Follow the teacher’s lead in terms of starting

Most schools have good polices about supporting new children starting and often give out information sheets and organise initial meetings and so on. On the first day, follow the teacher’s lead about settling your child in the class, about how long to stay, and when to leave, and so on.

Organise a relaxing daily routine when school starts

Children are often tired and take time to adjust when starting school. It helps if you can organise a nice relaxing routine, especially in the first few weeks, that includes early bedtimes, plenty of time in the morning and a nice relaxing playtime after school.

It can help if you can be more available for the first few weeks: this will give you a chance to listen to your son and check how it is all going for him: children are most likely to talk at drop-off and collection times. You might want to set up a reward system for the first few weeks, for example, a special family trip at the first weekend, recognising everyone’s success at starting back.

Enjoy the experience

Finally, take time to enjoy the experience. Your child starting school can be an emotional experience when, as a parent, you watch them take a new step to independence. It is a time when you can feel a lot of pride as well as a little sadness. Take time to recognise and appreciate your own feelings. After you drop them to school on the first day you might want to go out for a coffee with your partner and mark this important milestone.

Dr John Sharry is a social worker and founder of the Parents Plus charity. For details of further articles, books and upcoming events, see solutiontalk.ie.